Susanne Madsen - Developing Project Leaders
  • Home
  • Services
    • Workshops
    • Speaking
    • Coaching
    • Testimonials
  • Bio
  • Books
  • Blog
  • Videos
  • Contact
  • Library
  • Resources

Every interaction with your team is an opportunity to increase the connection

28/3/2018

2 Comments

 
​I recently listened to one of Andy Kaufman’s podcasts about influencing techniques, and two thoughts in particular captured my attention in relation to how we interact with people on our projects. The first thought is that every interaction with others is an opportunity to either increase the connection with them or to break the connection. The second thought is that people become difficult when their needs are not being met. 
Picture
​Every time you interact with a team member or a stakeholder it’s an opportunity to either deepen your connection with them or to diminish it. When the mood is good and you have positive news or a new exciting task to give to someone it might be easier to strengthen your connection with them. But when you need to chase a team member for a task, draw their attention to a mistake, or discuss a topic that you disagree on, it’s easy to see how that encounter can end up hurting the relationship.
 
But it doesn’t have to be that way. It’s possible to have a difficult conversation with someone and at the same time strengthen the relationship. Not long ago I had a challenging discussion with a colleague of mine, which ended up being a beautiful conversation. We had been co-delivering some workshops and felt that there were misunderstandings and friction between us at times. And so we decided to explore it. On the call we each explained what the situations were that triggered us, why that was and how it made us feel. We listened to each other with respect and without judgment. Our goal was to get to know each other better and to change our behaviour so that we would ultimately have a better working relationship. After thirty minutes on the call we were both filled with gratitude because we each felt understood.
 
When you’re about to interact with another person, and you would like to maintain or strengthen the connection between you, first come clear on your purpose for communicating with them. If you’re out to get them they will sense it and get hostile. You might not consciously want to blame a stakeholder who hasn't signed off on a document, but perhaps unconsciously you hold a grudge against them. They will sense that. So when you approach somebody make sure that your message is genuinely beneficial for the other person and that you are interested in the best outcome for both of you.
 
But there is more to it. Because even if you don’t in any way want to blame the stakeholder or the team member, you could still damage the relationship if you aren’t sensitive enough to their needs and their point of view.  When you walk up to somebody, their brain will automatically judge you and assess if you are a threat to them or not. To maintain or strengthen the connection you need to be seen as a friend who they know, like and trust. Engage in an open conversation and choose your words carefully.  It’s not what you say that matters but how they perceive your message. Show genuine interest for their needs and deeply listen to their side of the story. In fact you should listen so well, that you are able to express their needs and concerns just as well as they are. You don’t have to agree with the other person, but try to understand them.
 
Also bear in mind that people become difficult when their needs aren’t met. On a project, this could be a need for power, control, validation or perhaps certainty. If somebody appears negative, ask yourself what the underlying cause might be. There could be a very valid reason for their feelings. If you’re in doubt about somebody, assume that their need is to feel listened to, accepted and appreciated. That thought alone can transform your professional relationships.
 
Connecting with negative people
If you’re dealing with a negative stakeholder who is shooting down a good idea, make sure you ask them questions rather than bombarding them with statements. So instead of stating that you’re disappointed about their response and the consequences, ask them how they expect you to deal with a potential fallout. Also ask them how they would like you to explain the decision to the team and other impacted parties. In this way you are creating an imaginary scenario in their brain, which can be very powerful. Likewise, if a team member hasn’t completed their work on time, ask them how they suggest you explain that to the client. You can reinforce this by asking them how they think it feels to be in your situation. Allow the other person to step into your shoes. What you’re doing is that you are transferring your emotion to them and making yourself a human being in their eyes. But remember that you have to do it without blaming them or accusing them in order to maintain the connection between you.
 
Now, if a stakeholder or a team member is continually negative, try to use the black hat thinking technique where you deliberately ask them to come forward with their concerns. Say that what you need right now is for everybody to shoot holes in the idea you have put forward. This technique will address the fact that some people just need to be heard. If they mention something terribly negative, thank them and ask “what else?” You don’t want them to go down a rabbit hole of negativity. You’re simply creating a list of concerns. In a similar vein you can invite people to write down 10 reasons why a certain idea will fail. The really negative person probably won’t be able to come up with that many reasons.
 
There were a few other tips about to create connection that I picked up from the podcast. The first one is to look into people’s left eye, and to avoid important conversations just before lunch when people are hungry. If you’re communicating via email, finish it with the magic phrase “thanks in advance”. You can even include a smiley face after that. Apparently, it grabs people’s attention and will increase the likelihood of a positive and timely response.


If you liked this post, you may also like:
10 tips for handling conflict
Top Tips for Providing Effective Feedback 
20 Essential Tips for Project Leaders 
How to Wow Your Steering Committee 
The Most Common Communication Mistakes Project Managers Make
2 Comments
Andy Kaufman link
12/5/2018 04:53:39

Thanks for the post, Susanne. I learned a lot from that episode as well. The author is Tim David and his book is TRUE Influence. Though he's not as well known as, say Robert Cialdini and Susanne Madsen, it's a good read! I love the additional commentary you shared here about the ideas. I always learn when I read your writing!

Reply
Susanne Madsen link
12/5/2018 09:08:12

Thank you for your comments Andy. I love your podcast :-)
http://www.peopleandprojectspodcast.com/

Reply

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Categories

    All
    Agile
    Authenticity
    Building Relationships
    Coaching
    Delegation
    Estimation
    Feedback
    Handling Conflict
    Innovation
    Iron Triangle
    Limiting Factor
    My Story
    Perception Of Failure
    Podcasts
    Positive Attitude
    Proactive Project Management
    Progress Reporting
    Project Costs
    Project Failure
    Project Initiation
    Project Leadership
    Project Management Mistakes
    Recruitment
    Requirements
    Resistance To Change
    Risk Management
    Self Esteem
    Stakeholder Management
    Stress Management
    Team Motivation
    Time Management
    Trust
    Vision And Mission

    Picture

    Susanne Madsen

    Susanne is a project leadership coach and the author of The Power of Project Leadership and The Project Management Coaching Workbook. She has over 20 years experience in leading large change programmes for global companies. Read more..

    Picture

    Register for FREE to get access to the RESOURCES page

    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture

    Archives

    February 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011

    View my profile on LinkedIn

    RSS Feed

Developing Project Leaders