When people come to me for one-2-one coaching they often want to achieve better results in their work and life, such as building better professional relationships, getting better at managing their time, achieving a promotion, delivering a new big project or improving their work-life balance. What’s interesting is that as we begin to work on these goals a few underlying blockers appear that need to be addressed.
 
One of the blockers that I often see is a lack of self-confidence. I’m not talking about the kind of superficial confidence that people portray to the outside world. I’m talking about a profound belief in one’s own abilities, which many people unfortunately don’t have. 

​When a person lacks self-belief it can show up in many different ways. Some people are cautious and withdrawn, whereas others can be defensive, aggressive or even arrogant. It’s only when we get to know them better that we realise what the underlying reason for their behaviour is. If we don’t recognise that an employee or a team member lacks confidence we may respond in ways that aggravate the situation. You have probably experienced a team member who used arrogance to mask their insecurities. The manager got annoyed, challenged the employee and thereby triggered another defensive reaction. This negative pattern will continue until one of them begins to enquire at a deeper level and use their emotional intelligence to get the relationship back on track.
 
The worst thing you can do is to criticise and be overly challenging
If you work with someone who lacks self-confidence, the worst thing you can do is to criticise, minimise and be overly challenging. The employee will perceive your behaviour as a personal attack, which will trigger a fight/flight or freeze response in them. They will go into survival mode and will lose their ability to think clearly. Some managers may take advantage of the situation and elevate themselves at the expense of the employee. That's very unfortunate. People who lack confidence are easy targets and pushy managers don't realise how much damage they are doing.
 
To get the best out of the situation, and the employee, respond in the following ways:

• Give them support. Let people know that you have their back. It will give them the space and confidence to contribute without fear of being judged. You can do that by taking the time to understand their situation and by showing empathy. When you offer guidance and allow them to make mistakes you remove a large part of the pressure they put on themselves.

• Give sincere praise. Insecure people need to be reminded of their strengths and the things they do well. They doubt their own abilities and don’t feel that they are good at anything. You can help them perform better by pointing out aspects of an assignment that they have completed really well and by explaining why you believe they are the right person to complete the task at hand.

• Build them up step by step. People who don’t have a lot of confidence tend to remember the times in their work and life when they failed at something. Their negative expectations become self-fulfilling prophecies where they go on to fail because they expected it. Through small assignments, which they have the skills to complete well, you can begin to reverse the flow. You gradually build them up and give them the experience of what it feels like to succeed.

• Set clear expectations. When you delegate a task be as clear as possible about what you expect the outcome to look like. Don’t be overly controlling by demanding that it’s done in a certain way. Instead give them time to think about it and check back in with them. Talk through the steps they expect to take and ask what support they need from you. This will help mitigate the risk of something going wrong, which would further undermine their confidence.

• Offer training. If the team member is new in a role they may feel particularly insecure because they don’t feel they have the right skills. Giving them the right kind of training will help them progress as there is a strong link between competence and confidence. After the training, ask them to convey what they learnt and help them make use of the new knowledge. Integrating the learning on the job straight away is essential as they will otherwise see it as another point of failure.

 
Whereas the above tips will help a team member feel more confident about their abilities and increase their performance, it’s unlikely that it will get to the root of their self-esteem issues. The employee will have to take matters in their own hands and decide to work on the underlying problem. This can take a little while, as they will have to revisit their thought patterns and understand where the negative self-talk comes from.
 
If you are the person who lacks self-esteem, try these tips:

• List your talents and successes. Take some time out to review your successes and all the things you are good at. At first you may feel that you are not good at much, but think again. What do you have a natural talent for? What were you good at as a child? What do other people compliment you for? What are you proud of in your life? Write as much down as you can think of. Find at least ten items! Perhaps you are a really good listener. Perhaps you are patient. Perhaps you are creative or analytical. Once you have written them down, take each quality and really feel it. Yes, instead of thinking about it, feel it. Take this talent into your heart and recognise that it has been give to you as a gift.

• Tone down the inner critic. Notice the negative chatter in your mind and start to challenge it. The thoughts you have are just thoughts. And they aren’t true until you decide to believe them. So stop listening to them. If you hear a thought saying I’m not as successful as others, I’m not as fast a thinker as others or I'm not as creative as my peers, challenge it. What would happen if you ignored that thought? What would happen if you replaced it with another thought such as, I’m learning and I’m getting better every day? If your mind chatter continues, engage in a daily mindfulness meditation. This practice will teach you to observe your thoughts and to let go of them without judgement. 

• Be your own cheerleader and best friend. Experiment being the fly on the wall and observe yourself and your behaviours from the outside. Could it be that you are treating yourself worse than you would a friend? How come? What would you say if you were talking to your best friend and in which ways you would build them up? What would it take for you to treat yourself in the same way? How could you show yourself more compassion and self-love? In situations where you are overly critical of yourself, say these words: This is a moment of difficulty. Difficulties are part of everybody’s life. A lot of people probably feel the same way. I will respond with kindness. I will treat myself with compassion.

 
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​As a project leadership coach I often come across project managers who feel that they are not good enough at what they do. Feeling that they will be “found out”, that the project will fail and that they will be fired because of incompetence is – unfortunately – more common than you might think. There is nothing wrong with being aware of risks and being concerned about the delivery of the project. But it’s unhealthy to worry to the point where it affects our confidence.

​More often than not the project manager’s feeling of inadequacy isn’t rooted in incompetence. It’s linked to an underlying lack of self-esteem. Of course, there will always be certain PM techniques that we can get better at, but without a strong self-belief project managers will have a tendency to doubt their professional abilities.
 
But how can you begin to strengthen your belief in yourself and your project?
 
Review your project
At a practical level it’s important that your project is properly defined, that your team in motivated and that your project plans are adequate. Don’t feel that it’s your role to have all the answers. Your team members are there to support you. Discuss with them how you will be working together to deliver the project. Make reference to deliverables, procedures, roles and responsibilities and to team behaviours. Similarly, don’t set out to plan the project all on your own. I’ve talked and written about the benefits of collaborative planning for a long time. Collaboration creates buy-in and commitment from the team and produces a better plan than if you were to create it on your own. You should also run regular risk management workshops where the team shares their concerns and puts in place mitigating actions.
 
If you’re still worried that you have missed something out, ask one of your peers to review your artefacts and to sit in on some of your meetings. You might also benefit from regular conversations with a mentor. Choose someone who works in the same organisation, or industry, and who has more experience than you. A mentor should be calm and measured. She should be able to listen to your concerns and give you advice in areas where you are unsure how to progress.
 
Reality check
As much as you can make improvements to the way you set up and run your project, the real work in improving your self-confidence is internal. Doubting in your abilities is rooted in the way you think and feel about yourself. In most cases, project managers are judging themselves unfairly.
 
I suggest that you ask a few of your managers, peers and team members for feedback about what they feel you are doing really well. Choose people whose opinion you respect. You can ask: “From your point of view what do you feel my strengths are?” Also ask them to highlight one thing they believe you could improve on. Asking these two questions should give you a good reality check. It will show you that although you aren’t perfect (none of us are!) you have real strengths in the area of project management.
 
Where the feedback highlights that there is something you need to improve on, take action to read books, go on a course or work with a coach to improve your skills. Many people are afraid to ask for feedback. They worry that it will reveal something terrible about them. But the doomsday scenario rarely happens. More often than not those who ask for feedback come away feeling uplifted and surprised about the positive feedback they have received.
 
Feel your strengths
External feedback and validation is a good starting point for being reminded of what you are doing well, but you also need to do the internal work to improve your self-belief. I suggest that you brainstorm all the things that you feel you are good at. Write anything down that comes to mind, small items as well as big ones. Perhaps you are a really good listener, good at analysing data or good at building relationships with team members. Give yourself credit for it and capture it on paper. Also make a note of your past achievements. Don’t just think about them. Feel them in your body as you review all the projects you have delivered to date. Acknowledging your strengths and achievements is the first step in lighting up your internal sun.
 
You can further strengthen your self-esteem – and the glow inside you – by starting every single day by reminding yourself of your strengths. Create a morning ritual before you leave the house. You can either sit in stillness for a moment or read out some affirmations: “I’m a diligent project manager with a good team spirit. I know that my peers appreciate my work.” Choose the words that resonate with you and that make you feel strong in your body.
 
Final thought
My final thought is that many project managers operate at the edge of their comfort zone. This can be a good thing because it means that we are learning. If we were totally comfortable in our roles, we would not be growing. No one will ever be in total control of a project, and that’s ok. As project managers our job is to strengthen the project, to strengthen our internal sun and thereafter to embrace uncertainty. So go on dear project manager: continue all the good work you are doing and don’t be afraid to admit that you don’t have all the answers.
 

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What should you do in the first month to set yourself up for success?

Self-esteem is a state of mind that is self created. It is the way you think and feel about yourself and is related to how confident you are in your ability to cope with challenges. 
 
To be a strong and resourceful project manager who is respected by team members and stakeholders, you have to have enough self-esteem to naturally stand up for yourself, your team, and your project. You have to have enough faith in yourself and in your skills in order to comfortably make decisions and lead your team in the right direction. 
 
The more self-esteem you have, the stronger you will be and appear. This is not about being arrogant or headstrong. It is essential to balance confidence and humility. Self-esteem is simply about valuing your own contributions and believing in yourself. If you are able to do so, it will be easier for you to say no and push back when required. You will more easily be able to respond in calm, proactive, and resourceful ways.
 
As an example, imagine a situation in which a senior stakeholder asks you to deliver a product significantly earlier than planned. You know that your team will not be able to achieve this deadline without making drastic changes to scope and quality. You also know that the reason for this request is not business-critical and that incorporating such a drastic change at this point in time will end up costing the client more money and will cause the project to take longer overall. In this situation, many project managers would feel insecure and would bow to the stakeholder’s request without openly questioning it. They may want to question it but they do not have enough self-confidence and belief in themselves to do it.

One of the first steps in building self-esteem is to accept that you cannot please everyone and that your needs, rights, and feelings are as important as everyone else’s. Take a moment to assess if this is true for you.

Start to notice when you are being overly critical of yourself. Whenever it happens, stop for a moment, and reframe the situation. It is all too easy for us to focus on what we feel is missing. Challenge yourself to see the positive in each situation and what you have to bring to the table. Take credit for the tasks and activities you do well and actively start to leverage your strengths. If you truly struggle to value yourself, find a confident mentor or coach who you can work with. 
 
If there are skills you feel you are lacking, take a course, read a book, or learn from a co-worker. Do not ignore these feelings. Empower yourself by being proactive and doing something about them. 
 
A good way to build self-esteem is to practice appreciation—of yourself. Each day, notice what you do well as a person and as a project manager. Write these strengths down in a notebook, and find new areas and capabilities to appreciate every day. See yourself as the confident project manager and leader you want to be. 
 
Another action you can take is to compose a vision and mission statement and stick it in a place where you can easily see it. Make sure it is positive and appealing and that it puts emphasis on feeling good and being confident. For example:
 
“I feel confident and calm in everything I do as a project manager. I love and respect myself, and I value my uniqueness and my capabilities. My mission is to focus on my strengths and to have the confidence to withstand pressure from demanding stakeholders…”

Read your vision and mission statement as many times as you can during the day. Close your eyes and imagine being strong and confident. Really feel it in your body. This will help you create a new pattern where you feel and think differently about yourself.

It can take time to build self-esteem, but with the right support and willingness, you can change the way you feel about yourself more quickly than you think.

o Read uplifting and motivational books
o Spend time with confident people
o Notice and recognize your strengths, achievements, and uniqueness
o Ask others what they think your unique talent is
o Imagine being strong, positive, and confident
o Identify a self-confident role model and learn from him or her
o Set reachable goals, and break difficult tasks into smaller steps
o Write an empowering vision and mission statement and live by it
o Be objective and fair when assessing your capabilities 
o Work with a confident mentor or coach
 

                                              *******
 
Exercise
 
1. Think of a point in time when you felt really confident. Close your eyes and imagine it now. Where were you? What did you do? Who were you with?

2. Focus on the feeling you had in your body at that time. Where in your body did you feel a confident sensation? Be specific. Recall that feeling now.

3. Focus on this feeling in your body every day when you get out of bed and when you get to work. Try this exercise for a week and assess its impact.
 
4. Make it a habit to feel good and to appreciate your strengths and contributions.  


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