​I recently listened to one of Andy Kaufman’s podcasts about influencing techniques, and two thoughts in particular captured my attention in relation to how we interact with people on our projects. The first thought is that every interaction with others is an opportunity to either increase the connection with them or to break the connection. The second thought is that people become difficult when their needs are not being met. 

​Every time you interact with a team member or a stakeholder it’s an opportunity to either deepen your connection with them or to diminish it. When the mood is good and you have positive news or a new exciting task to give to someone it might be easier to strengthen your connection with them. But when you need to chase a team member for a task, draw their attention to a mistake, or discuss a topic that you disagree on, it’s easy to see how that encounter can end up hurting the relationship.
 
But it doesn’t have to be that way. It’s possible to have a difficult conversation with someone and at the same time strengthen the relationship. Not long ago I had a challenging discussion with a colleague of mine, which ended up being a beautiful conversation. We had been co-delivering some workshops and felt that there were misunderstandings and friction between us at times. And so we decided to explore it. On the call we each explained what the situations were that triggered us, why that was and how it made us feel. We listened to each other with respect and without judgment. Our goal was to get to know each other better and to change our behaviour so that we would ultimately have a better working relationship. After thirty minutes on the call we were both filled with gratitude because we each felt understood.
 
When you’re about to interact with another person, and you would like to maintain or strengthen the connection between you, first come clear on your purpose for communicating with them. If you’re out to get them they will sense it and get hostile. You might not consciously want to blame a stakeholder who hasn't signed off on a document, but perhaps unconsciously you hold a grudge against them. They will sense that. So when you approach somebody make sure that your message is genuinely beneficial for the other person and that you are interested in the best outcome for both of you.
 
But there is more to it. Because even if you don’t in any way want to blame the stakeholder or the team member, you could still damage the relationship if you aren’t sensitive enough to their needs and their point of view.  When you walk up to somebody, their brain will automatically judge you and assess if you are a threat to them or not. To maintain or strengthen the connection you need to be seen as a friend who they know, like and trust. Engage in an open conversation and choose your words carefully.  It’s not what you say that matters but how they perceive your message. Show genuine interest for their needs and deeply listen to their side of the story. In fact you should listen so well, that you are able to express their needs and concerns just as well as they are. You don’t have to agree with the other person, but try to understand them.
 
Also bear in mind that people become difficult when their needs aren’t met. On a project, this could be a need for power, control, validation or perhaps certainty. If somebody appears negative, ask yourself what the underlying cause might be. There could be a very valid reason for their feelings. If you’re in doubt about somebody, assume that their need is to feel listened to, accepted and appreciated. That thought alone can transform your professional relationships.
 
Connecting with negative people
If you’re dealing with a negative stakeholder who is shooting down a good idea, make sure you ask them questions rather than bombarding them with statements. So instead of stating that you’re disappointed about their response and the consequences, ask them how they expect you to deal with a potential fallout. Also ask them how they would like you to explain the decision to the team and other impacted parties. In this way you are creating an imaginary scenario in their brain, which can be very powerful. Likewise, if a team member hasn’t completed their work on time, ask them how they suggest you explain that to the client. You can reinforce this by asking them how they think it feels to be in your situation. Allow the other person to step into your shoes. What you’re doing is that you are transferring your emotion to them and making yourself a human being in their eyes. But remember that you have to do it without blaming them or accusing them in order to maintain the connection between you.
 
Now, if a stakeholder or a team member is continually negative, try to use the black hat thinking technique where you deliberately ask them to come forward with their concerns. Say that what you need right now is for everybody to shoot holes in the idea you have put forward. This technique will address the fact that some people just need to be heard. If they mention something terribly negative, thank them and ask “what else?” You don’t want them to go down a rabbit hole of negativity. You’re simply creating a list of concerns. In a similar vein you can invite people to write down 10 reasons why a certain idea will fail. The really negative person probably won’t be able to come up with that many reasons.
 
There were a few other tips about to create connection that I picked up from the podcast. The first one is to look into people’s left eye, and to avoid important conversations just before lunch when people are hungry. If you’re communicating via email, finish it with the magic phrase “thanks in advance”. You can even include a smiley face after that. Apparently, it grabs people’s attention and will increase the likelihood of a positive and timely response.


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As we enter 2018 many of us naturally consider what we would like the New Year to bring and what we would like to do and achieve. For me it will be no different. But for the first time in many years I will have more mind-set-related and behavioural goals than external achievement goals. ​In recent years my goals have been related to writing project leadership books, starting my business, attracting clients and travelling to new exotic locations. These types of goals are not about refining my behaviour, improving my thought patterns or cultivating personal attributes within myself. They are related to achieving things in the physical world. I sense that 2018 will be different as I’m trying to put less emphasis on external achievement goals. Instead I will trust that as long as I do the right things, I will attract the right experiences into my life. 

​It’s not that there is anything wrong with setting physical goals. We all have a need to feel that we are progressing and that we are moving forward in work and in life. We can feel a strong sense of accomplishment from obtaining a certain qualification, finishing a particular project or landing that dream job. Setting SMART goals and acting on them, definitely help us achieve our objectives. But we also need to allow ourselves to just be. We often put unnecessary pressure on ourselves by feeling that we need to be in a certain job position by a certain age or by constantly having to prove ourselves. We may feed our ego by accomplishing a lot, but we don’t necessarily feed our spirit.
 
I always tell my coaching clients that the real work is the internal work. If we spend time looking inwards, acquiring the right mind-set, then the rest will follow. I coach a lot of people who have low self-esteem and who tend to compensate by holding on to physical things, frameworks or achievements. But that will never create true fulfilment. The real work is to strengthen our self-belief and to challenge our perceptions until we feel a warm glow of self-love inside.
 
In a similar vein I often come across individuals who experience a high degree of conflict with people around them. There is always something wrong with their boss, their clients or team members. But instead of wanting to swap projects or organisations, the solution is to look inwards and review our attitudes and behaviours. If we acquire the belief that everyone has something valuable to contribute to every situation, then we will take a greater interest in others and give them more space. The result is better relationships in all areas of life. It is by looking at how we can think and act differently that we can create the greatest transformation in our personal and professional life.
 
I’m self-employed and at the back of my mind there is often a little fear that perhaps I won’t be as busy this year as I’ve been in the past. But I’ve always been fine, and each year has in fact been more rewarding than the last. I need to get my mind-set right and take my own medicine! As I go into 2018 I don’t want to be steered by this fear and I don’t want to numb it by setting lots of external goals to make my ego feel better. Instead, I will look inwards and concentrate on acquiring the right mind-set. I will appreciate each moment and the opportunities that it brings. When I find myself in an unfamiliar or uncomfortable situation I will try to take a step back and objectively evaluate it. From that vantage point it will be easier to consciously decide how I want to respond. 
 
What kind of mind-set do you need to acquire in 2018 to become more fulfilled? And in which ways do you need to refine your behaviour? Perhaps you can find inspiration in the three P’s below: Purpose, Presence and Pause. They form the basis of my own goals for 2018.

​PURPOSE – In order to attract the right things into your life, you need to start each day feeling connected with yourself and your purpose. With the right mind-set, every day can become a great day. It doesn’t matter what you choose to do, but you need some kind of morning ritual that connects you with the essence of who you are and what you want to bring to the day. Some people meditate whilst others go for a brisk walk. Personally I like to start the day with a few yoga exercises that wake up my body and my mind. In 2018 I will become even more mindful during my yoga practice and be reminded of my purpose, which is to use my talent to contribute to the world around me.
 
PRESENCE – One of the biggest gifts you can give someone is your time and your attention. But it’s also one of the biggest gifts you can give yourself because it has the potential to transform all of your relationships. When you are fully present with another person, listening to them and trying to walk in their shoes, they will feel that you understand them. I’m convinced that there will be far fewer conflicts and misunderstandings in our personal and professional life if we take the time to listen to and understand each other. In 2018 I aim to be more present in my interactions. I will fully listen to and engage people who I cross and make them feel understood. 

PAUSE – On your project or in your private life you may at times snap at someone or disengage because of a challenging situation that triggers you. Whenever you feel uncomfortable, irritated or upset in the New Year, press your pause button and just breathe. Let the emotion wash over you without acting on it. These strong emotions can distort your sense of judgement and make you do and say things that don’t serve you. Instead, step outside of the situation for a couple of minutes and evaluate what is going on. What are your beliefs about the stressful events and why is it affecting you? When you’re able to you see the situation clearly you will be much better able to choose how to respond. This is something we can all get better at – including myself.
 
I hope you’ll have a wonderful 2018 full of purpose, presence and mindful pauses.


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When I researched my latest book The Power of Project Leadership I interviewed a number of project management and leadership experts who I was keen to learn from. One of the people I interviewed was Andy Taylor from People Deliver Projects. I have worked with Andy for a couple of years and have a huge amount of respect for his work and his ability to engage clients and name the issues that need to be addressed.    

I asked Andy which attributes, thinking patterns and actions most distinguish an outstanding project manager/leader from an average one. This is what he said:

What do Andy’s words bring up for you? How good you are at leading through tough conversations and naming the issues? In my experienced this is one of the most challenging aspects of project management and leadership – also for myself. So many of us like to please and find it difficult to say what we feel has to be said. We haven’t always been taught how to have these difficult conversations and prefer to brush over them out of fear of conflict. But as project leaders we have to be authentic and do what is right – even if it feels uncomfortable. Our job is not to ignore the elephant in the room, but to speak the truth. That’s the only way we can add ultimate value and serve our client.

I am keen to hear how you have personally approached this particular topic. Please leave a comment below.


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When I coach or train a group of project managers, one of the biggest concerns they bring up is how to deal with opponents; i.e. senior stakeholders and clients who have a lot of power and influence over the project but who are not supportive. Or at least they come across as not being supportive. 

Understand the root of their skepticism
When you look at your opponents, consider how they are acting towards you. Are they indifferent, absent and maybe non-committal? Could it be that your project is simply at the bottom of their priority list? If so, what can you do to increase their interest in the project and make them see the benefits and what’s in it for them? How can you take into consideration their other time commitments and make it easier for them to participate? 

If, on the other hand, this isn’t a time management or a prioritization issue, but a deeper-rooted problem, you have to take a closer look at the emotions and the reasons that drive your opponent's behavior. What are the underlying needs that they feel are not being met? Could it be that they feel their voice is not being heard and their contributions aren’t being appreciated and that the project isn’t giving them what they were hoping for? Or do they in some way feel threatened by the project and what it will bring about? What can you do to actively engage these people and uncover the reasons for their skepticism? Maybe it is time for you to "walk into the lion’s cage" to find out?

Ask for advice
As you walk into the lion’s cage, one of the best ways to address your opponents is to ask for advice and feedback. This is a very disarming move, which instantly builds trust and opens up the relationship because you show that you care and that you are humble enough to ask for their opinion. Just imagine how they might react if you asked: “I would like to ask for your feedback about the project. I value your opinion on how you believe we can work more effectively and deliver a better product or service to you. Would that be ok? Are there any aspects (requirements, risks or issues) you feel we have overlooked? Which other tips and suggestions do you have for how we can improve?”

Sincerely listen to their answer
These questions have the potential to work wonders for you – but only if you sincerely mean it and take the time to really listen to the answer and to the meaning behind the words. Leave your negative emotions by the door, put your tongue on neutral and just listen. If you walk into a meeting that aims to build trust, with mistrust, you will undermine the process. We are often not aware of the emotions we bring to a situation ourselves – and neither is the other person – but subconsciously it always comes across. If you fundamentally don’t trust or respect the person you are interfacing with, they will detect it.

Your emotions affect your relationships
Take a moment to reflect on what your true feelings are towards some of the people with whom you have a tense relationship. Do you look up to them, down on them, do you fear them or do you think they are laughable? Do you unintentionally exclude them from emails and meetings, or do you tend to speak badly about them to other people? Have a long and hard look at the emotions and attitudes you hold, as they affect your interactions with people even if you would like them not to. 

It is easy to fall into the trap of blaming someone else for a poor interpersonal relationship and for being skeptical towards us. But the truth is that we, as project managers, share the responsibility for creating a harmonious and dynamic stakeholder group – and that it is entirely within our sphere to do so. Building relationships is a two-way thing, and realizing that we can indeed change the situation – if we choose to – is a powerful first step. 


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Projects are really all about people. But unfortunately many project managers aren’t trained in how to understand human behavior and how to adjust their communication style accordingly. DiSC® is a personal assessment tool which provides a simple way of explaining human behavior and which can help us to better get along with others – including our stakeholders and team members.

DiSC® is based on two basic observations about how people normally behave. The first is that some people are more outgoing and assertive, while others are more reserved and slow paced. The second observation is that some people are more detail and task-oriented, while others are more big-picture and people-oriented. Looking at the matrix below, you will see that this combination creates four different tendencies with the labels Dominance, Influence, Steadiness and Conscientiousness. Everyone exhibits all four tendencies to some extent, but for most people one or two will fit them well whereas one or two other tendencies will seem foreign. 

Style D – Dominance represents an outgoing, task-oriented individual who is focused on getting things done, accomplishing tasks, getting to the bottom line as quickly as possible and making it happen! They are also referred to as Driver. They are goal-oriented, direct, competitive and sometimes impatient. They work and talk quickly and take charge in business situations. Many bosses, managers, CEOs, and executives have Driver personalities as they are in a job where responsibility, decision-making, and leadership are required. The key insight in developing a relationship with Drivers is respect and results. Be direct and to the point and give them the bottom-line. Be specific, avoid generalizations and focus on solutions rather than problems.

Style I – Influence represents an outgoing, people-oriented individual who loves to interact, socialize and have fun. These are inspiring people who want admiration, attention, respect, and friendship from those around them. We also refer to them as Expressive. They have highly developed people skills and build excellent rapport with their customers. Expressives are typically salespeople, PR representatives, and customer service agents. The key insight in developing a relationship with them is admiration and recognition. By all means, share your experiences, but be sure to give them time to ask questions and to talk. Focus on the positives and avoid overloading them with detail.

Style S – Steadiness represents a reserved, people-oriented individual who enjoys relationships, and who helps and supports others in working together as a team. They are also referred to as Amiable. In most situations they will be reserved but kind, and will happily comply with what they're told. They are mostly concerned with harmony and want people to be happy. Amiables excel at cooperation and dislike telling others what to do. You will usually find them working as receptionists, HR managers, therapists, or in a teaching capacity. When communicating with S-style individuals, be personal and friendly and express your interest in them. Take time to provide clarification, be polite, and avoid being confrontational or rude.

Style C – Conscientiousness represents a reserved, task-oriented individual who is driven by value, consistency and quality information. These types of people focus on being correct and accurate. They are referred to as Analytical as they thrive when working alone on a task that requires accuracy and analytical skills. They are skilled at fixing equipment, keeping track of data, solving puzzles, or finding an efficient solution to a problem. They work best when they are alone in a quiet area, solving a problem or making sure the details are right. Most IT experts, accountants and researchers are Analyticals. When communicating with a C-style individual, focus on facts and details. Be patient and diplomatic and minimize small talk and emotional language.

The first question you need to ask is which personality-style best represents you. Are you predominantly task-oriented or people-oriented? Are you more outgoing or reserved?

The second question is which personality type your main stakeholders are. If you have an Analytical C-style personality for instance you may find it challenging to interface with an executive who is impatient and has a Driver personality, and you may also feel stretched when you speak to an I-style who is very outgoing and talkative - and vide versa. 

Good interpersonal relationships arise when we use our emotional intelligence and adapt our style to best suit the person we are interfacing with, irrespective of our own preference. You will need to be more or less assertive, detail-otriented, patient and personal depending on who you speak to.


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Don’t get me wrong! A lot of project managers are doing a fantastic job of organising and delivering their projects and keeping their clients happy. But it’s probably still true, that the majority of PMs are stronger with the harder skills of creating plans and reports than with the softer skills of communicating and motivating people. The below mistakes are the ones I the most often see project managers make when it comes to the softer communication skills.

Speaking more than you listen
A big part of a project managers’ job is concerned with assigning work, resolving issues, coordinating activities and assessing progress. The pressure is on and they are busy getting everything done. In this process they often give orders and tell people what to do. Very few take the time to really connect with the individual; ask for input, listen, and check how their message has been understood. You shouldn’t just tell people what to do as that doesn’t empower or motivate anyone. Just think about the times when you have been on the receiving end of that. Instead, take the time to ask people how they are, what they make of the message you just gave them, what they worry about and how they feel the team could work smarter. Really listen to what they say. It will provide you lots of valuable information and strengthen the trust between you. 
 
Communicating with the client in writing instead of face-to-face
Again and again I see project managers emailing their clients instead of speaking to them in person. Written communication is great for short messages without complexity, but should not be used simply because it’s more convenient or saves you having a difficult conversation. Many misunderstandings and disagreements are born because we don’t take the time to identify common ground with our clients and prepare them for what is coming. 

Face-to-face communication is a MUST in situations where;
- You want to build trust and make sure you’re on the same page
- The stakes are high, for instance regarding an issue or a significant risk
- You sense disagreement or conflict
- You want to ask for advice or feedback
- You want to win your client’s support for an important matter
- You want to understand your client’s point of view and how to best 
communicate with them
 
Saying ‘yes’ when you really mean ‘no’
Many people feel pressurised to saying ‘yes’ when put on the spot and asked directly if they can deliver something– even if they haven’t had the time to properly assess what they’re saying yes to. This relates to anything from small promises of “I will send it to you straight away” to “yes, I’ll see if we can incorporate that extra feature into the next iteration!” Overpromising is a classic and very serious mistake which doesn’t serve anyone. The problem surfaces later when you realise that you can’t keep your promise and that it’s starting to affect your reputation. Instead, take time out by saying “Can I get back to you on that?” You can also offer alternatives by saying: “I can’t do A, but I can do B”.

Relying too heavily on the weekly status meeting 
For many project managers the weekly status meeting is the primary way of communicating with the team. In this meeting the project manager enquires about progress and receives an update from each team member so that they can gauge how far the project has progressed. This type of status meeting is great for the project manager, but not necessarily for the team member who may feel it’s a waste of time. Make the status meeting short and focused on progress since last meeting and on blockages which you can help resolve. To engage each team member however, it’s essential that you set up one-2-one meetings where it’s all about them and their needs; not about what you need. Ask them what they most enjoy doing, what type of support they need from you and how you can help them work more effectively. 
 
Providing too much and too detailed information
It is often assumed that the more detail we provide our bosses and stakeholders the better. But the truth is that we need to give them just the right amount of information and no more. When you send out a weekly status report or conduct a steering committee meeting, don’t overload the recipient with unnecessary detail. Highlight the good progress you have made, summarise risks and issues and how you are addressing them, and provide an update on the budget. Make it very clear if you need their input and decision on anything or if you’re merely providing an update. Detailed information should only be provided where they are in need of making a decision on something. Keep it simple and don’t use jargon. Your aim is to engage your audience and for this you need to communicate at their level of understanding. To download a free copy of a steering committee presentation, request access to the resources page here.

Failing to ask for feedback
It is human nature to avoid that which we feel is unpleasant – and that includes asking for feedback. You may fear that people will tell you something negative and therefore refrain from asking in the first place. But by not asking you’re doing yourself a big disfavour. Firstly you’re much better off knowing what people think about you and the project than not knowing; when you know you can do something about it and use the feedback to your advantage. In addition, you are likely to receive feedback about something which you’re doing really well and which you were not aware of. It will lift your spirits and enable you to build on your strengths. Why not try it? Ask people you respect; a) what you should stop doing b) what you should start doing and c) what you should continue to do. Nice and simple :-)

What are your own experiences? Which other communication mistakes do you see PMs make? I’d love to hear your comments.


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A successful project manager is so much more than someone who is capable of producing a plan and track its activities. To set ourselves apart, we have to have drive, confidence and attitude and focus on people as much as we focus on tasks.

Your ability to build trusting and lasting relationships with your stakeholders is one of the key ingredients to becoming a successful project manager. To improve the way you communicate and interact with people, use the below best practice principles. As you read through them, ask yourself how good you are on a scale from 1 to 10 at using that particular principle in your daily interactions.

1. Listen to others and seek first to understand before being understood. When you invest time in really understanding your stakeholders, the dynamics of the conversations and your relationships change. People become more open, receptive and more interested in what you may have to say when you actively engage and comprehend their situation. If you don’t listen properly, misunderstandings will invariably creep in and the quality of your relationships will weaken. Make every effort to really engage and understand the other person’s position. Make eye contact and ask into their feelings and opinions. Only once you fully understand their position should you speak up about your own topic and agenda.
 
2. Have empathy and think in win/win solutions. Empathy means being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and understand how they feel. View situations and responses from your stakeholder’s perspective and be committed to always finding solutions that will truly benefit all parties. The win-win idea is not based on compromise, but is rooted in the belief that synergies and mutual benefit can be drawn from every situation.

3. Set a good example as project manager. The quickest way to lose the respect of your stakeholders is to be a careless and unstructured project manager. On the other hand, your stakeholders will respect you for being an effective person who keeps taps on risks, issues, decisions and actions – including their own! Minute key decisions and hold stakeholders accountable for the activities they take on. Always turn up to meetings prepared and have the necessary information ready at hand.

4. Be honest and open about project progress and have the courage to ask for help. Believe in yourself and be honest and open enough to say things the way they are. Never over-promise or feel pressurised to say yes to unreasonable demands. Have the confidence and courage to talk openly about project issues and to ask for help when required. Your stakeholders will respect you for being honest and appreciate being given the chance to help out before the situation aggravates. You will score points for being realistic and for having your project’s interests at heart. Painting the picture rosier than it is helps no one.

5. Be proactive and take responsibility for your actions. Gain respect and admiration from your stakeholders by proactively resolving risks & issues in a resourceful way. When we are proactive we look for durable solutions and we take full responsibility for the consequences of our actions. We face the world with a can-do attitude and a mindset that we have the ability to change a situation for the better. You may have no control over what hits your project, but you do have control over how you respond.

6. Maintain a positive mental attitude and don’t be afraid to show your funny side. Do your best to maintain a positive mental attitude. Be cheerful, friendly and smile. The positive energy you radiate will draw others to you and give your stakeholders the impression that you are in your comfort zone. Don’t be afraid to be funny or clever as most people are drawn to a person that can make them laugh. Use your sense of humour as an effective tool to lower barriers and gain people’s affection.  

-> How can you become a better listener and build better relationships?
-> What can you do to be more proactive and more positive?
-> In which situations to you need to get better at asking for help?


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