One of my coaching clients recently raised a question that perfectly captures the dilemma many leaders face. Over the previous few months, he'd been working hard to become less directive. He had been asking more open questions and encouraging his team to think for themselves. But he was beginning to wonder whether he should still be making the final decisions, or whether true collaboration meant stepping back and letting the team decide.

It's a great question because many leaders misunderstand what collaborative leadership really means. As project managers, we've spent years learning to move away from command-and-control leadership. We recognise that being the hero and telling people what to do rarely creates ownership or motivation. Instead, we’re learning to listen more, ask better questions and draw on the ideas and expertise of the people around us. But in doing so, we begin to wonder whether making the final decision is still compatible with being collaborative.

As my client shared his question, I smiled because it took me back almost twenty years. I told him about a leadership programme I attended back then where we were discussing different leadership styles. I confidently announced to the group that I was mostly democratic, because I always asked my team for their opinion before making important decisions. One of my colleagues, who had worked with me on several projects, looked at me and said. "Yes, that's what you think! You always ask us for our opinion, but then you make the decision yourself."

I had confused consultation with democratic leadership
It was one of those moments where someone holds up a mirror and exposes a blind spot. At the time, I genuinely believed I was leading in a democratic way. What I hadn't appreciated was that asking for input and sharing decision-making aren't the same thing.

The lesson that my colleague gave me is one that I now find myself sharing with many of my coaching clients. As they begin to ask more open questions, listen more carefully and involve their teams more than before they wonder if making the final decision somehow means they're slipped back into old command-and-control habits. It doesn't. Collaborative leadership isn't about giving up decision-making. It's about knowing when to involve others and when to provide direction.

As leaders, it's easy to become attached to a particular style. But the most effective leaders adapt their approach to what the situation requires. Sometimes they bring the team together because different perspectives will lead to a better outcome. Sometimes they step aside because someone else has the expertise to decide. And sometimes they make the decision themselves because the team needs clarity and direction.

Beware of false consultation
There's another trap that many collaborative leaders fall into. They ask for everyone's opinion but have already made up their mind. Most teams recognise this immediately and end up with a bitter taste in their mouth.

Of course, there will be situations when you hear everyone's views and still reach a different conclusion. (Perhaps you've considered risks the team isn't aware of, or your wider accountability means you have information they don't.) But if you have already made the decision, don't pretend you're consulting the team. Explain your reasoning instead. If you ask for people's input, be genuinely open to being influenced by what they say. Otherwise, they’ll feel deceived. People don't expect to be consulted on every decision, but they do expect honesty.

Four questions to guide your leadership approach 
The next time you're faced with an important decision, ask yourself these four questions.

1. Whose decision should this be?
Not every decision belongs to the project manager. Some are best made by the team because shared ownership is essential. Others belong to a technical specialist because they have the expertise. And some decisions genuinely sit with you. Being clear about decision ownership is the first step.

2. What input do I need before making the decision?
Even when the final decision is yours, you don't have to make it in isolation. Ask yourself:

• Who has expertise I don't?
• Who sees risks I may have missed?
• Who has a different perspective that could improve the outcome?

The quality of a decision often depends on the quality of the conversa-tion that comes before it.

3. How important is commitment?
Not every decision requires consensus. But some decisions only succeed if people genuinely support them. If successful implementation depends on commitment, involving the team in the discussion—or even in making the decision—can dramatically increase buy-in. The aim isn't to involve people for the sake of it. It's to create the level of ownership the situation requires.

4. What does this situation need from me?
This is the question that brings everything together. Does the situation call for coaching, a team discussion, a clear decision, or should someone else take the lead? Don't become attached to one style. Adapt.

The Real Shift
Moving away from command-and-control leadership doesn't mean becoming hesitant or indecisive. It means becoming more intentional about how you lead. The next time you're faced with an important decision, resist the temptation to ask: Should I make the decision? Instead ask yourself: What does this situation need from me?
The answer won't always be the same, and that's exactly the point 
 
​For more resources, check out:
 
Books:
How to Do the Inner Work
​The Power of Project Leadership
 
Blog Posts:
What Makes a High Performing Team
How to Become a Better Coach
How to Deepen Your Communication
Innovative Leaders Ask Powerful What-If Questions
The Yin & Yang of Project Leadership

One of the biggest myths about leadership was the idea that there is a single “right” style of leading others. Most of us now recognise that effective project leadership is situational – how we lead needs to shift depending on what is happening in the team and what we are trying to achieve in that moment.
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In practice however, many leaders still default to the style that feels most natural to them. Some are instinctively more assertive and directive, while others lead with empathy and inclusion. Neither is wrong – but neither is sufficient on its own. If we are serious about developing as leaders, we need to pay close attention to how we show up in each situation. That means noticing our impact (or lack of) and deliberately experimenting with different approaches rather than leading on autopilot.

Daniel Goleman’s six leadership styles provide a helpful framework for understanding how and when to adapt your approach. If you’re curious, download the Six Leadership Styles Questionnaire to reflect on your own default leadership style:
http://www.powerofprojectleadership.com/resources.html

Let’s look at how each style shows up in some common project situations.

Visionary Leadership:
When People Lack Clarity or Direction

Your role as a leader is to create clarity and meaning. The team needs to understand why the project matters, what success looks like and how their individual contributions make a difference. In my experience, many project managers shy away from doing something as simple as a three-minute visionary reset with their team. Yet being visionary is a core leadership skill – particularly at the start of a project, or when momentum begins to fade.

When a project feels fragmented, or when people are working hard but pulling in different directions, the most valuable thing you can do is reconnect them to the bigger picture. Remind them why the project matters and why they matter. When you articulate the project’s vision in a clear and convincing way, you create alignment and renewed purpose without micromanaging. 

To stretch yourself, set aside three minutes in your next team meeting to reconnect the team with the purpose of the project.

Coaching Leadership:
When People Need to Grow into Responsibility
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Your role as a leader is to help others think for themselves, learn, and step into greater ownership. When team members are capable but hesitant, or when you want them to move from delivery to true responsibility, a coaching approach is often far more effective than giving answers or instructions.

Instead of telling people what to do, ask thoughtful questions, challenge their assumptions, and encourage individuals to work through issues themselves. Over time, this builds confidence, judgement and accountability – not just task completion.

The coaching leadership style is particularly powerful once the basic structure of the project is in place and people are expected to operate with more autonomy. Used well, it shifts accountability away from you and into the team. Used poorly or too early, it can feel like a lack of support. The trick is to understand when people need guidance and when they need challenge and room to grow.

As an experiment, try asking more open questions (starting with ‘what’ and ‘how’) and resist the urge to jump straight to telling your team what to do.

Democratic Leadership:
When Buy-In Matters More Than Speed

Some decisions on a project are less about finding the perfect answer and more about ensuring shared ownership and commitment. Agreeing ways of working, which collaboration platforms to use, and establishing meeting rhythms are typical examples.

By using a democratic leadership style in these situations, you invite the team into the decision-making process and make space for different perspectives. You do that by facilitating collaborative discussions rather than asserting your own opinion – you frame the questions, guide the discussion, summarise the pros and cons, and help the group reach a well-considered conclusion. The result is stronger alignment and greater accountability once the decision is made. 

This style requires judgement. Not every decision should be democratic, and overuse can slow progress or blur responsibility. 

To develop your leadership range, try involving your team in a decision where shared alignment matters more than speed, and notice how it strengthens buy-in and ownership.

Affiliative Leadership:
When Relationships or Strong Emotions Are Getting in the Way

Projects are not just technical endeavours; they are about people. And whenever people are under pressure, emotions are never far behind. When tension rises, conflict surfaces, or individuals feel unheard or unsafe, pushing harder on tasks and deadlines rarely produces better outcomes.

In these situations, affiliative leadership becomes essential. Your focus shifts to listening, acknowledging concerns, and rebuilding trust. This is not about avoiding difficult conversations or lowering expectations. It is about creating the conditions in which honest, productive conversations can take place and issues can be addressed without escalating further.
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Strong relationships alone don’t guarantee results, but they create the trust, cohesion, and psychological safety that allow teams to perform at their best, especially under pressure.

To challenge yourself, slow down and truly listen when a team member is upset or under pressure. Ask how they are experiencing the situation and acknowledge their perspective before moving to solutions.

Directive Leadership:
When Urgency or Risk Leaves Little Room for Debate
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There are moments on projects when collaboration has to take a back seat to speed and precision. A serious issue has emerged, a deadline is at risk, or a high-stakes decision simply cannot be left open.

In those situations, a directive leadership style can be the most responsible choice. Clear instructions reduce ambiguity and help people focus on what needs to happen next. Used in this way, directive leadership creates safety and momentum rather than fear.

The danger lies in using this style by default rather than by design. If people are constantly told what to do, motivation and ownership will quickly erode. Directive leadership works best when it is clearly situational, time-bound, and followed by a return to more empowering styles once the immediate risk has passed.

To stretch yourself, practice giving clear and decisive direction in a genuinely urgent, high-stakes situation – and be explicit about when you expect to shift back to a more collaborative approach.

Pacesetting Leadership:
When Performance Isn’t Where It Needs to Be

Sometimes the issue isn’t effort, but standards. The work is being done, but not at the level required. In these moments, stepping in as a role model can be effective.

A pacesetting approach allows you to show, rather than tell, what good looks like. By demonstrating the standard you expect, you make expectations tangible and credible. This is particularly effective with team members who are still developing their skills or need to raise their performance to meet the required standard. 

That said, this style has sharp edges. If overused, it can feel like micromanagement or a lack of trust. Team members who are already skilled may find it unnecessary, or even demotivating. To avoid disengagement, use the pacesetting style as a deliberate, short-term intervention rather than a default way of leading, and be mindful to respect the expertise of experienced team members.

To challenge yourself, step in when standards aren’t being met and demonstrate the behaviours and quality you expect from the team. Then step back once you have reset expectations.

The Real Leadership challenge

As already mentioned, the real challenge isn’t knowing these styles; it’s knowing when to switch between them.

Effective project leaders constantly ask themselves

• What does this situation need from me right now? 
• Am I choosing my approach deliberately, or am I defaulting to what feels comfortable?

Adapting your leadership style doesn’t mean being inconsistent. It means being responsive, emotionally intelligent, and fully aware of the impact you have on your team. While your approach may shift from moment to moment, your presence remains steady. Every team, no matter how experienced, needs clarity, challenge, and thoughtful guidance. Your role is to show up in the way your team needs you most— always their guide, mentor, and enabler.
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As a short reflection exercise, you can download the Six Leadership Styles Questionnaire from my website and explore which leadership style you tend to default to: http://www.powerofprojectleadership.com/resources.html

For more resources, check out:
 
Books:
How to Do the Inner Work
​The Power of Project Leadership
 
Blog Posts:
What Makes a High Performing Team
How to Become a Better Coach
How to Deepen Your Communication
Innovative Leaders Ask Powerful What-If Questions
The Yin & Yang of Project Leadership

​In today’s workplace, more and more project teams are spread across countries, cultures and time zones. Advances in technology make it possible, but leading a global team comes with unique challenges. Building trust, fostering collaboration and keeping everyone aligned requires extra care and intention.

Many project managers are excited, yet also apprehensive, when they first manage a global team. Perhaps you're one of them — and perhaps you wonder how you can avoid the most common pitfalls given that your team is spread across nations and time zones.

The truth is, the factors that create a high-performing global team are very similar to those that build a great co-located team. The difference is that you must work harder to create the clarity, cohesion and communication patterns that are the foundation of great teamwork.

When people don’t share the same location, or even the same culture, your role as a leader is to help them trust each other and unite around a common goal and a common way of operating. Research shows that team performance improves significantly when you focus on three key communication dynamics:

1. Encourage direct dialogue — Ensure team members speak directly with one another, rather than always going through you.
2. Create equal participation — Aim for everyone to contribute in roughly equal measure.
3. Prioritise richer communication — Use phone and video calls as a substitute for face-to-face interactions. Email and instant messaging alone are not enough to build trust. 

 
Get Personal
​If possible, bring your core team together in person at the start of the project. A strong kick-off meeting helps people build relationships and align expectations. If that’s not feasible, design a series of online workshops instead. Two-hour virtual sessions can work very well to:

• Get to know each other personally
• Share expectations and working styles
• Discuss how you want to collaborate

Keep the core team to a maximum of ten people, as larger groups complicate communication. At the same time, avoid creating a divide between “A players” and “B players” — make sure everyone else feels informed and included through other forums.

During virtual meetings, cameras should be switched on, and don’t shy away from getting personal. When I managed a distributed team across five locations, I asked all 30 members to send me a headshot, a few hobbies, and their project role. I compiled these into a presentation that became a great talking point. Even the project sponsor felt more connected to the team as a result.

Create Strong Agreements
Once your team is familiar with each other, invest time in creating a Team Charter. This is one of the most valuable exercises you can do to lay the foundation for success. You can use a template like the one on my website (download here) to discuss questions such as:

• What are our common values?
• What is each team member’s role?
• What are our strengths and weaknesses?
• How do we challenge decisions and give feedback across cultures?
• How do we gather and share information, both internally and externally?
• Which collaboration tools will we use?
• How often will we meet, and at what times (given the different time zones)?

Make sure the agreements are fair. People in Asia shouldn’t always be the ones staying up late, and those in the Americas shouldn’t always wake up at the crack of dawn.

Maintain a Regular Rhythm 
With agreements in place, establish a steady “heartbeat” for your team. Connect with the core group weekly (or even daily for complex projects), and keep strengthening bonds. Small personal touches matter. Ask team members to share a photo or a short story about something meaningful, such as a recent holiday or weekend activity.

Remember: globally dispersed teams don’t have watercooler moments. You need to create those opportunities intentionally. Most importantly, revisit your Team Charter regularly. Use it as a living document to guide feedback conversations about what’s working well and what could be improved.

Final Thoughts 
Leading a global team can feel daunting at first, but with the right foundation, it can be hugely rewarding. By creating trust, encouraging equal participation, and building clear agreements, you set your team up for success across time zones and cultures.
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The key is to stay intentional: be deliberate about connection, communication and collaboration. If you do that, your global team won’t just manage, it will thrive.

Most of us have had the experience of working with an underperforming team member. Perhaps their engagement is low, they miss deadlines, make silly mistakes or create unnecessary conflict within the team. Dealing with someone who is not up to par can be frustrating and time consuming. But if we approach it in the right way, and see it as a challenge rather than an issue, there is a reasonable chance the situation will change for the better. 
 
One thing is certain; the situation must be addressed. If we let our doubt and discomfort get in the way, it will likely get worse over time. We have all experienced “the elephant in the room” – we know there is an issue, but no one is talking about it. That’s not the behaviour we want to emulate. We want to be courageous and authentic project leaders who are able to have a crucial conversation even if it's uncomfortable. 

Set expectations and clean up your own act first
It’s tempting to escalate performance issues to HR straight away, but before we start complaining about a team member, we need to sweep in front of our own door and become the best manager we can. As a first step it’s about setting clear expectations with the team member. Agree what needs to get done, what a good outcome looks like, when it will be completed by, and what the team member should and should not be doing. Too often expectations are unclear and we can get into an argument about whether the team member is performing or not. Ideally, a person’s performance should be easily assessed based on objective agreements. 
 
Setting expectations is not a one-way conversation from manager to team member. That won’t build trust and it won’t get anyone’s buy-in. Instead, we have to use questions to help the individual think through the task and flush out issues. What roadblocks do they foresee? What support do they need? By when can they get the task done? If they have other assignments on their plate, we need to help them think through the priority of this task in relation to their other work. High performers have this under control. Low performers need help.
 
When we’re working with an experienced team member, we don’t have to agree how they will do the work. Figuring out the “how” can be very motivating for an employee. But when the person is underperforming (or is too junior to know how), we need to train and mentor them. The goal is to give them the support they need whilst avoiding being a micro manager and constantly looking over their shoulders. Agreeing up front how often we’ll check in with each other creates transparency and certainty for both parties.
 
For underperformers, it’s also important that the assignments aren’t too big or complicated. The best way to set someone up for success who lacks in skill, confidence or motivation, is by starting with something small. We can then monitor the situation and gradually increase the complexity of tasks when the team member is ready for it.
 
Give constructive feedback
In addition to offering our support and creating firm agreements, we also have to give our team member clear and constructive feedback. They need to know exactly where they stand and what the performance issue is. In doing so, make sure you’re not overly critical and only focus on the negative as that could trigger them to feel insecure and perform even worse. Highlight some of the aspects that you believe they’re handling well, and tell them that you want to support them and help them improve. Making the team member feel safe and wanted is a key aspect in getting through to them psychologically.
 
At the same time, you do have to be clear about which of their behaviours they need to improve on. Don’t just say that they make too many mistakes, that there is a problem with their attitude or that they need to be more proactive. That’s too generic and not helpful. For your feedback to be effective, highlight specific behaviours and situations you find problematic. Tell them why their behaviour is problematic and give them concrete suggestions so that they understand what a more effective behaviour looks like. Bear in mind, that if the team member knew how to do things differently, they probably would be doing it already.

​So, instead of saying the quality of your work is not good enough. Say: I noticed that in yesterday’s report there were errors on page 4 and 5, meaning we can’t send it to our clients. I need you to triple check your work before you send it to me. Are you able to do that?  And instead of saying: You need to improve your communication. Say: When you got stuck last week and missed the deadline, I wasn’t aware that you needed help. Next time, I would like you to notify me and ask for help. Is that okay?
 
Before you give your feedback, ask yourself if your message is clear, if it’s conveyed with good intentions, and if it’s helpful to the receiver. The purpose is to support the employee, not to trip them up or make them feel insecure. Try to balance being firm, yet kind and supportive at the same time. It’s important to treat people properly and encourage an open dialogue. If performance isn’t improving after you’ve tried the above, perhaps then it’s time to seek help from your manager or escalate to HR.

If you liked this post, you may also like:
How to give constructive, specific and well-meaning feedback
Top Tips for Providing Effective Feedback
The 4 leadership Behaviours that foster inclusion​
4 tips that will help you with challenging conversations
How to prevent chronic stress and burnout

​When was the last time you were faced with a person who was triggered emotionally? Perhaps a co-worker worrying about a change you wanted to implement. Perhaps a manager getting angry because of a delay on an important project. Or, perhaps a team member feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work on their plate.
 
Did their emotions spiral out of control? Or were you, as a bystander, able to help them get back on an even keel so that you could have a constructive conversation about how to move forward? That’s what this post is all about – understanding the steps you can take to help others self-regulate and thereby collaborate.

When we help others self-regulate – and are emotionally stable ourselves – we get much better results in any area of life. Not only is it more enjoyable to collaborate when our hearts and minds are open. The brain is also sharper, more creative and resourceful when we are emotionally regulated rather than when we are consumed by anger, fear or frustration.
 
If you’ve engaged with some of my videos on YouTube, you may be familiar with the concept of either being Above or Below the Line. If you haven’t come across this term before, have a look at this video which I recorded with Annmarie Curley. The video is part of a series of six recordings where we explore tools, strategies and mindset shifts that help leaders stay resilient and lead with emotional intelligence. Scroll to the bottom of this post for a link to all six recordings.

Are you ​Essentially, a person is above the line when they have an open and collaborative mindset, and they’re below the line when they feel triggered and stressed and go into some kind of contracted and closed state. 
 
When we’re above the line we see opportunities, we’re curious and we feel positive. It doesn’t mean that we can’t discuss threats or challenge ideas. It means that our heart and mind are open. We remain rational and can relate to what’s going on without getting hijacked by our emotions. 
 
When we’re below the line we feel some kind of negative emotion such as anger, fear, frustration, sadness, or jealousy. Our entire physiology changes. Our attention moves from the rational prefrontal cortex to the more emotional limbic brain. Our thoughts get clouded, we tense up, get stressed and aren’t able to properly engage or listen to others. 
 
The trick is to be aware of when we drop below the line – or when someone else does – so that we can do something about it.
 
Having said that, we’re only responsible for our own state of mind. We’re not responsible for how other people think or feel. Whereas our attitudes and actions impact others and can help a person calm down and see a situation from a new angle, we’re not responsible for their reactions. 

​It’s also worth emphasizing the importance of not dismissing other people’s so-called negative emotions, or asking them to be positive when they are not. We could call that toxic positivity.  As much as we want to help someone be more positive, the way to do it isn’t to shame them or ignore their negativity. On the contrary!
 
To help someone get back above the line we have to acknowledge the strong emotions that are present, be it anger, fear or frustration, and understand what caused them to come up. When an emotion is acknowledged and its message is heard, the emotion will automatically disappear because it’s served its purpose. When that happens, the nervous system calms down and it becomes easier to collaborate and have a constructive conversation about the way forward.
 
Keep reading to learn about the four steps that can help someone come back to equilibrium as well as examples of how to apply them.

​It’s near impossible to regulate others if you are below the line and feeling triggered yourself. One of the most effective ways to regulate yourself is the quick coherence breathing technique from the Heartmath Institute. You can learn more the technique, and practice it with Annmarie Curley and myself in this podcast episode.
 
The essence of the coherent breath technique is to spend a few minutes breathing deeper and slower than usual. Give it a go right now! Close your eyes, place your hand on your heart and begin to breathe deeper and slower than you normally would. As you slow down and deepen your breath, imagine that you’re breathing directly in and out of your heart. Then think about a positive emotion such a gratefulness, joy or love. Bring to mind a person or a situation that makes you feel this uplifting emotion.
 
If you breathe this way for just a few minutes you will notice how your physical, mental and emotional states change. Your fight or flight response will calm down, and you will be better able to insert a space between the situation that triggers you and how you respond to it. To get better at doing that, put some anchor points into your day where you practice this slower and deeper way of breathing. This could be whenever you get into your car, prepare a coffee, or start a conference call. The more you practice becoming aware of your state and changing it, the easier it will be to access it when it really matters.

​After you have calmed down your own nervous system, the next step is to actively listen to the other person’s story even if you disagree with their view. This is an essential part of regulating someone else’s nervous system. You have to allow them to vent and understand what their emotional reaction is all about. If someone is emotionally off centre, they aren’t able to engage in a logical conversation with you because their logical brain is off line. They need to calm down and move back into homeostasis in order for you to have a reasonable conversation with them. To learn more about the neuroscience of emotional states, listen to this podcast episode.
 
When you fully listen to someone, you allow them to vent and get their frustrations off their chest. Listening is also essential for building trust. I always say that one of the biggest gifts you can give someone is the gift of your full attention. 
 
Note that you don’t have to agree with another person in order to hear them out. You can simply ask them to share what their concern is and listen to their response. Your goal is to understand them, not to agree or disagree. When you think you’ve fully heard them, you can summarise by saying the way I understand your concerns is that…

Step two and three are closely linked. If step two is about listening to the other person’s thoughts and concerns, then step three is acknowledging their emotions. Powerful as it is, listening and understanding someone’s concerns aren’t enough. You also have to validate how they are feeling. 
 
Many people make the mistake of going straight to problem-solving and solution mode without listening and acknowledging the emotions first. They’re impatient and try to convince the other person that their thoughts and emotions are wrong. But doing so just increases the tension. 
 
This step isn’t about agreeing with the other person’s emotions or judging whether they are justified or not. You cannot argue with a person’s emotional response. All you can do is acknowledge how they feel. How do you do that? And how do you show empathy if you fundamentally don’t agree with them? You could say: I hear that you’re really worried and frustrated about this. I can understand that this is causing you to feel upset. 

​In the fourth step you ask clarifying questions and investigate how you can move forward. You’ll know you’re ready for step four when the other person is beginning to calm down. When that happens you can gently ask questions that help both of you understand the issue from different angles and identify how you might resolve it. As the other person is now more open and able to think rationally, you can ask questions such as:
 

• What’s another way of looking at this?
• What’s the most constructive thing we can do right now? 
• What steps do we need to take to come to an agreement?

 
As you’re asking these questions, you’re inviting new insights to come up that can help both of you gain a new perspective. Don’t manipulate the other person to think the way you do. it’s far more effective to ask open questions and collaborate in order to find the best way forward.

​Imagine a team member comes to you after a meeting, visibly stressed, and says, I can’t keep up with everything on my plate. I feel like I’m going to drop the ball on something important. 
 
In that situation, how might you apply the four steps?
 

1. Regulate Yourself: Check your tone and energy to ensure you’re supportive, not dismissive. If needed, use the quick coherence tool where you breathe deeper and slower than usual. Doing so will bring you above the line and ensure you’re not rushed.
2. Be Present and Listen: Find a private space where you can speak in confidence. Let the team member fully explain their challenges while maintaining a calm and empathetic demeanour. Your role is to listen rather than think of solutions.
3. Acknowledge their Feelings: Show empathy by saying to the team member: I can hear that you’re feeling overwhelmed by the workload. That’s completely understandable given everything that’s going on. Would you like us to look at how we can solve this together?
4. Investigate and Collaborate: When the team member has shared everything they want to and is visibly calmer, ask: What’s the most urgent priority right now? How do you think we can redistribute some of your tasks and find ways to make this more manageable?

​The four steps aren’t just applicable in 1-to-1 settings but also in meetings with several people. Group situations can be tricky to navigate, because when one person vents others may jump on the bandwagon. Even if it’s uncomfortable, the meeting facilitator needs to temper the environment and address the situation so that the tone of negativity doesn’t escalate. 
 
Imagine that during a project update, a senior manager openly criticizes delays caused by another team, saying; If this keeps happening, we’ll miss our deadline, and I’ll hold this team accountable. Tension rises in the room, with others chiming in or becoming defensive. 
 
How do you apply the four-step process in that situation? 
 

1. Regulate Yourself. Quickly ground yourself with a few deep breaths or use the quick coherence technique to stay calm. It’s imperative that you take time to pause before you respond. This is not the time to get defensive. 
2. Be Present and Listen: Allow the senior manager to vent their concerns without interruption. Stay calm and observe the energy in the room.
3. Acknowledge their Feelings: Say to the manager; I hear you’re feeling frustrated about the delays and the impact on the timeline. I can understand your reaction.
4. Investigate and Collaborate: When the manager has been fully listened to and goes quiet, ask; What can we focus on together right now to prevent further delays? Would it be okay to identify actionable steps we can all agree on?

 
Remember that you can use these steps whether you are at work or at home. Please comment on this post and share examples of how you’ve helped others self-regulate. 
 
And remember that it’s only by taking action that you experience real change.

​Episode 1: Create an Open and Curious Mindset During Challenging Times
Episode 2: Redefining Resilience In Leadership
Episode 3: Emotional Intelligence Unlocked: Leading with EQ
Episode 4: The Power of Self-Awareness
Episode 5: How to Help Others Self-Regulate
Episode 6: The Neuroscience of Emotional States
​

Several studies show that Emotional Intelligence, or EQ, is the single biggest predictor of personal and professional success. Not only is it the most important competency for leaders, it’s essential for anyone wishing to progress and improve their performance over and above their efficiency. ​

​Emotional Intelligence can be developed
In his book “Emotional Intelligence – why it can matter more than IQ” Daniel Goleman found that over 60% of the abilities that are essential for performance were emotional competencies and when it came to leadership that number rose to 90%. As a person moves up in the organisational hierarchy, more EQ capabilities show up as the reason for that person’s effectiveness.
 
This is not to say that a person’s level of IQ or technical skills aren’t important, but rather that an abundance of EQ is required to step up and develop from manager to leader. In fact, it’s difficult to imagine anyone being a great leader without having significant emotional competencies. 
 
Part of what makes a leader effective, is their ability to connect, motivate and understand others. High performing leaders keep their emotions in check and build strong relationships based on trust. Managers with lower levels of EQ can be extremely skilled at problem solving and getting things done, but often aren’t good at communicating change or bringing people with them. They may be socially out of touch and have difficulties regulating their emotions. 
 
The good news is that in contrast to IQ, Emotional Intelligence is a flexible skill set that can be learned and improved upon at any age. That also means leadership can be improved upon at any age.
 
Emotional Mastery
Emotional Intelligence can be defined as “the capacity to be aware of, control and express one’s emotions and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.” This doesn’t mean that Emotionally Intelligent people are nice all the time or that they never feel sad, angry or frustrated. 
 
People with high levels of EQ don’t push aside their emotions, nor do they let their emotions dominate everything that they do. Instead, they notice how they feel and consciously make a choice about how much emotion they want to express. Not only do they notice their own emotions, they also notice what is going on for other people. Is my counterpart feeling happy, sad, angry or fearful right now? How does that make me feel and how would I like to respond so that I achieve the best outcome for both of us?
 
To understand how to develop your emotional intelligence, first consider that it can be broken down in to 4 main competencies.

​Five Habits that Can Build Your Emotional Intelligence
Now we’ve discussed what emotional intelligence is, let’s look at what you can do to strengthen this all-important capability. It’s not enough to understand it intellectually – to get results you need to practice.
 
Strengthen your Self-Awareness
The first step to build your emotional intelligence is to strengthen your self-awareness. This is a foundational habit, because you can only change what you are aware of. One of the best ways to learn about yourself is to ask for honest feedback (ideally a 360° review) from your coworkers. Ask different sets of people, who have different relationships to you, what they feel your strengths are and what tips they have for improvement.
 
You can also build your self-awareness by taking time out to reflect and keeping a daily journal. Before you end your day, review how it went and reflect on how you felt. How did you manage your emotions, what did you notice about other people’s emotions and how did you respond to them? Also reflect on how you reacted to stressful situations. Did you become upset because of a delay or did you get angry because something didn’t happen the way you wanted? 
 
When you observe yourself, you become aware of your patterns, which is the most important step if you want to change them. As you reflect and build your self-awareness, be mindful not to use your insights to beat yourself up. Simply notice what is going on and accept where you are currently at.
 
Respond rather than react to situations
Essentially, this habit is about responding to situations rather than reacting to them. There’s a subtle but important difference between the two. Reacting is an unconscious process where you experience and react to an emotional trigger without thinking twice about it. This could happen, for instance, if you always get angry when a team member delivers their work late – or if you panic whenever your client asks you to incorporate a new change request. 
 
Responding, on the other hand, is a conscious process that involves noticing how you feel and then deciding how you want to behave. You may not choose the emotions that you feel, but you do have a choice regarding what you do with them. So instead of showing your anger to a team member because you feel irritated, take 5 slow breaths and choose the most appropriate response so that you don’t default to your automatic reaction. You could for instance explain to the person how you feel and what the impact is when work is delivered late. You can then work with the team member to ensure that it doesn't happen again.
 
As an emotionally intelligent leader you have to take responsibility for your emotions and the impact have on your surroundings. When you manage your impulses and consciously choose your responses, not only do you set a good example, you also create a safe environment for your team to freely communicate and express their views.
 
Notice what is going on for other people
A big part of being an emotionally intelligent leader is to notice what is going on for other people. If you don’t notice how your stakeholders and team members are feeling, it’s easy to make a faux pas or miscommunicate a message because you aren’t able to truly see the situation from their point of view. 
 
I often coach people who would like to become better communicators and who think that there is some kind of technique that they are missing out on. But communication isn’t just about what we say and how we say it. It is first and foremost about relating to another person and understanding what is going on for that person right now. Otherwise, how can we know that what we are about to say is relevant and appropriate to share?  So instead of focusing on what you want to say, notice what the other person is saying and what they are not saying. What are they feeling and why might that be? 
 
In order to master this habit, you will need to slow down and take a genuine interest in people who work with you. On any project there is a myriad of things to do and tasks that need to get completed which can push you to become overly task-oriented. Just consider a situation where you are sitting at your desk writing something and a coworker approaches you with a question. Do you give that person your full attention or do you continue to write your email whilst giving them a half-hearted answer? Unless you are in the middle of a crisis situation, seek to be fully present and pay attention to them.
 
Actively listen to people when they speak
The previous habit leads into the fourth habit, which is to fully listen to people when they speak. This is one of the essential keys to empathising and understanding other people. There are three levels at which you can listen. 
 
Level I listening is when you are listening to someone else, but at the same time you are hearing your own internal dialogue. If you’re sitting in a meeting listening to a presentation, you might at the same time think about all the things you need to get done after the meeting finishes. Most people listen at level I most of the time. It means that they are not really focused on the person who is saying something. 
 
Level II listening is when you are fully present and focused on the person who is speaking. You are engaged and take onboard what they are saying. This is likely to happen when you have a one-to-one conversation with your manager or when your friend is telling you a really engaging story. Unfortunately, we don’t often listen to others, which can be quite obvious to the other person. It makes them feel unimportant and creates distance rather than trust and camaraderie. 
 
But there is an even higher level of listening, and that’s level III. When you listen at level III, not only do you use your ears and are fully focused on the person in front of you, you also use your other senses to pick up what is really going on. This is the level at which coaches and therapists are taught to listen to their clients. At level III it’s possible to pick up if the words that are being used are congruent to what the rest of the person’s body is telling you. When you open up and use all of your senses to connect with a co-worker it will be much easier to relate to them, to read them and to understand what really makes them tick.
 
Embrace crucial conversations
The last habit we will focus on here, is to have an open mind towards difficult or crucial conversations. High stakes, opposing opinions and strong emotions on one or both sides, characterise a crucial conversation. Because the emotions are high you can easily lose your cool and say something that you will later regret. 
 
In the workplace there are many situations you might find challenging, such as giving feedback on poor performance or giving bad news about a delay or a cost overrun. It can also be challenging to work and communicate with others when you disagree on how a project should be run or what the best solution to a problem is. Unfortunately, most people aren’t trained to have these crucial conversations and therefore tend to avoid them. But avoiding them of course doesn’t make the issue go away. In fact, it often makes it worse.  
 
To prepare for a crucial conversion, seek to ask yourself the following questions in advance: What is the real problem? How do I feel about it? What would my counterpart say the problem is? What is my preferred outcome? What is my preferred working relationship with my counterpart? 
 
Before you start the conversation, take a slow, deep breath and relax your body. The more relaxed you are and the more oxygen you have flowing through your body, the more likely it is that you will be able to stay calm and positively manage your emotions. Remember that managing your emotions doesn’t mean suppressing them. Emotionally intelligent leaders can absolutely feel anger or fear, but they don’t let the emotion run away with them or define them. 
 
In summary, emotionally intelligent leaders are fully aware of what they feel about a situation and can absolutely have strong emotions, but instead of reacting out of fear or anger, they take a deep breath and slow down their response. As they do so, they create time to consider what the right response is in order that trust, collaboration and motivation can flourish. Emotionally intelligent leaders aren’t just focused on themselves. They are accustomed to giving other people their full attention and to show them that they matter. Not only do they listen with their ears, they also use their intuition to understand what is really going on and what the situation calls for.
 

I’ve just released my third book, How to Do the Inner Work – A Guide to Self-Discovery, Empowerment and Emotional Healing. But what does it mean to do the inner work and what are the benefits? 
 
In essence, doing the inner work means that if you’re stuck and want something to change, your first point of call is to work with your internal world of thoughts, beliefs, emotions, body and breath, before seeking to change something external to you.  
 
If you only look for the answer to your problems outside yourself, you can get locked into a reactive and defensive mode of relating. Whereas instinctive reactions aren’t wrong, they keep you small and don’t address the root of your problems. 

​For example, you might feel frustrated and overreact because someone you rely on hasn’t done what they said they would. You send an angry email to a co-worker blaming them for a late delivery. Or you start looking for a new job because you didn’t get the promotion you were hoping for. 
 
These examples relate to work, but we could easily come up with personal examples too. The patterns are the same. We react based on an emotional trigger, which can make matters worse. Not only that, we get into a downward spiral of negative thoughts causing us to accumulate stress and tension beyond what is healthy. 
 
In another example you feel stressed and overworked. You have high standards, find it hard to delegate and don’t want to overburden your team. You thrive on praise from your managers, which makes it hard to say no to extra work. You secretly blame others for your situation and think to yourself “if only my workload would diminish, then I’d be happy. If only my team members had more capacity and were better skilled, then my stresses would melt away.”
 
Fixing your problems in the external world will give you temporary relief, but shifting them once and for all requires you to investigate which part of your programming is getting in your way. Do you believe for instance, that your self-worth is linked to how much you achieve at work? Do you believe that other people’s needs are more important than your own? And what do you do with the emotions that arise when you feel you’re not in control? 
 
When we uncover the beliefs that are running us, and learn to question them, we can change our perception and our situation quicker than we think. I know that to be true. I was once an overworked manager who found it hard to self-regulate in emotionally challenging situations. Until we dare to question our operating system, we will continue to feel stuck and overwhelmed. 
 
Doing the inner work can help us acknowledge how we feel, and shift our perspective so that we can take the right kind of action. Spending time uncovering our true desires, as well as our painful thoughts and emotions, is essential if we want to create healthier ways of relating to ourselves and the world.
 
If you feel curious and would like to go on an inner journey of growth and self-discovery, get the book or listen to it on audible. It will give you profound insights into your needs, behaviours, thinking patterns, and emotions so that you can reduce stress and infuse more joy and meaning into your life.

“This is a major, well-written and inspirational contribution to the science of emotional healing and self-discovery. Truly a self-help tool in a league of its own. A most needed beacon of light in the dark.”  ​-Lars Muhl, author of The O Manuscrip

In this post I’ll talk about one of the most prevalent leadership styles I see in project management – the hero project manager. 
 

• Why are we so drawn to this style of management? 
• How can it be a trap that leads to poor performance and burnout? 
• What would a more effective and empowering leadership style look like? 

Essentially, the hero project manager is someone who flies in and saves the day, moving the project forward based on their personal involvement and telling others what to do.
 
Imagine you are responsible for a project. It’s not progressing as expected and the previous manager had to leave due to personal circumstances. Now it’s your responsibility to find a new lead, and you have just the right person in mind. It’s a great project manager who knows what he is doing. He understands the subject matter and has delivered similar projects before.
 
A few weeks later the new manager gets started and works really hard to get the project under control. Soon after, the team knows exactly what needs to get done, and by when. The new PM isn’t afraid of rolling up his sleeves and getting work done. On the contrary – he is involved in detailed decision-making, and whenever an issue crops up, he jumps in to help. There is regular and transparent reporting on progress to senior management and they are delighted with his approach. The client is no longer in despair, but hopeful once again that the project will be delivered on time. 
 
This is the hero project manager in action. Someone who flies in and clears up the mess. It’s a directive and hands-on management style which is popular in many organisations. It’s not difficult to spot why it’s so appealing. In the short term this pacesetting approach does have some merits. The project is picking up pace, there is a higher level of control and inefficiencies are being ironed out. 
 
But what happens after a while? What happens when senior management keeps pushing for aggressive deadlines? What happens when the PM keeps the pressure up for long enough? Essentially, the team becomes exhausted and demotivated due to the high pace and micro management. The more control the manager applies, the more dis-empowered the team will become. 
 
Why is this a problem? Because in an increasingly complex world we need empowered, motivated and skilled teams that can innovate. We need teams that can change course, come up with solutions to complex problems and make quick, informed decisions. The world is far from linear and we can no longer rely on the manager to sort it all out. There is simply too much complexity for that to be a viable option. We need everyone’s hearts and minds to be fully engaged.
 
Pacesetting isn’t wrong. It can be used effectively in the short term to raise the standard of an underperforming team. But over time it leads to exhaustion and poor performance. The team becomes burnt out and disillusioned because their efforts and ideas aren’t being appreciated. 
 
The project manager believes they are doing the right thing and that their push-approach is the only way. They are not aware that by swapping their directive approach for one that’s more inclusive and collaborative they can create a much higher performing team. They are not aware that when they stop solving all the problems, they automatically give more power to the team and encourage people to take more ownership. 
 
Note, that I’m not talking about a laissez-faire approach where the manager blindly trusts the team without ever challenging them. That’s not effective. What we need is engaged and challenging leaders who can align their teams around a common goal and coach them to find their own answers.
 
There are many ways that can help someone transform from manager to leader. Training, coaching, feedback, self-reflection and the willingness to experiment with new behaviours are all part of the journey. On our leadership programmes we train people in tools and behaviours that can help – including asking more open questions, using silence, deepening their communication, truly connecting with others, delegating, and making use of a team charter, to name just a few. 
 
For more resources, check out:
 
Book:
The Power of Project Leadership
 
Blog Posts:
What Makes a High Performing Team
How to Become a Better Coach
How to Deepen Your Communication
How to Prevent Chronic Stress and Burnout
Innovative Leaders Ask Powerful What-If Questions
The Yin & Yang of Project Leadership
 

​Collaborating with clients, stakeholders and team members can be challenging. Some situations – and people – push your buttons, making it hard for you to self-regulate and respond appropriately. Perhaps someone you rely on hasn’t completed a critical task on time, and as the manager it now falls back on you to resolve the issue as it’s ultimately your responsibility. You get annoyed and angry and say things you wish you hadn’t. But why do some situations trigger such a strong reaction in you and what can you do about it?
 
The core quadrant model is a powerful tool developed by Daniel Ofman. It offers valuable insight into human behaviour and helps explain why we sometimes react so strongly to others in our personal and professional lives. It’s also a great tool for understanding what we need to do more of to strengthen our emotional maturity and become a more balanced person and leader.

Challenge
To avoid your pitfall and overusing your strength, you have to focus on your challenge. Your challenge, which is depicted in the bottom right-hand quadrant, is the exact opposite of your pitfall. If your pitfall is being pushy, then your challenge is being patient. If you can be patient at the same time as you are determined it will make you a more mature and complete person. 
 
The idea is not to take away from your core quality and make you less determined. The idea is to add more patience to the mix so that there is balance between your core quality and your challenge. It’s about both/and, rather than either/or. In this example, we could say that you need to become patiently determined. 
 
Allergy
What’s interesting is that too much of your challenge is likely to trigger an allergic reaction in you. When someone is too patient, they can become passive which is your allergy. Your allergy is the opposite of your core quality. You may get angry and overreact when you come across people who you perceive as passive. It’s also possible that you find it difficult to display more patience because you are afraid of becoming too passive. 
 
But your challenge and your allergy are not the same thing. As long as you confuse your challenge (patient) with your allergy (passive) your challenge will remain unattainable.
 
It’s thought-provoking that you can learn the most from people who you are the most allergic to. That’s because they have too much of something you are lacking. When you react strongly to a team member or a stakeholder, it often says more about you than them. A team member may be quite relaxed about a task that needs to be completed, but in your mind they are passive and non-caring, which makes you more stressed and pushy. Not a good reaction. The team member might actually be on top of the task, but provokes a reaction from you because their approach is different to yours. 
 
All you need to do in that situation is to relax for a moment. Take a slow deep breath and ask yourself: What is happening right now? With that awareness you will be less caught up in your habitual patterns and more likely to respond in a new way.
 
Another curious insight from this model is that the core quality of your life partner or best friend is likely to be your challenge. Opposites attract! But that also means that you may be married to your allergy! What a great opportunity to work on yourself and expand your emotional maturity.
 
What does your core quadrant look like?
To dive deeper, create your own core quadrant:

• What is a core quality of yours? Something you are inherently good at and that people complement you for? 
• What happens when you over-use that quality? What is your pitfall and in which situations does it tend to show itself? 
• The opposite of your pitfall is your challenge. This is a positive quality that you need more of to balance your strength. What is your challenge and how can you pay more attention to it?
• Finally, the extreme version of your challenge is your allergy. What does your allergy look like and in which project situations are you confronted with it? How can you stop confusing your challenge with your allergy?