Most of us have had the experience of working with an underperforming team member. Perhaps their engagement is low, they miss deadlines, make silly mistakes or create unnecessary conflict within the team. Dealing with someone who is not up to par can be frustrating and time consuming. But if we approach it in the right way, and see it as a challenge rather than an issue, there is a reasonable chance the situation will change for the better. 
 
One thing is certain; the situation must be addressed. If we let our doubt and discomfort get in the way, it will likely get worse over time. We have all experienced “the elephant in the room” – we know there is an issue, but no one is talking about it. That’s not the behaviour we want to emulate. We want to be courageous and authentic project leaders who are able to have a crucial conversation even if it's uncomfortable. 

Set expectations and clean up your own act first
It’s tempting to escalate performance issues to HR straight away, but before we start complaining about a team member, we need to sweep in front of our own door and become the best manager we can. As a first step it’s about setting clear expectations with the team member. Agree what needs to get done, what a good outcome looks like, when it will be completed by, and what the team member should and should not be doing. Too often expectations are unclear and we can get into an argument about whether the team member is performing or not. Ideally, a person’s performance should be easily assessed based on objective agreements. 
 
Setting expectations is not a one-way conversation from manager to team member. That won’t build trust and it won’t get anyone’s buy-in. Instead, we have to use questions to help the individual think through the task and flush out issues. What roadblocks do they foresee? What support do they need? By when can they get the task done? If they have other assignments on their plate, we need to help them think through the priority of this task in relation to their other work. High performers have this under control. Low performers need help.
 
When we’re working with an experienced team member, we don’t have to agree how they will do the work. Figuring out the “how” can be very motivating for an employee. But when the person is underperforming (or is too junior to know how), we need to train and mentor them. The goal is to give them the support they need whilst avoiding being a micro manager and constantly looking over their shoulders. Agreeing up front how often we’ll check in with each other creates transparency and certainty for both parties.
 
For underperformers, it’s also important that the assignments aren’t too big or complicated. The best way to set someone up for success who lacks in skill, confidence or motivation, is by starting with something small. We can then monitor the situation and gradually increase the complexity of tasks when the team member is ready for it.
 
Give constructive feedback
In addition to offering our support and creating firm agreements, we also have to give our team member clear and constructive feedback. They need to know exactly where they stand and what the performance issue is. In doing so, make sure you’re not overly critical and only focus on the negative as that could trigger them to feel insecure and perform even worse. Highlight some of the aspects that you believe they’re handling well, and tell them that you want to support them and help them improve. Making the team member feel safe and wanted is a key aspect in getting through to them psychologically.
 
At the same time, you do have to be clear about which of their behaviours they need to improve on. Don’t just say that they make too many mistakes, that there is a problem with their attitude or that they need to be more proactive. That’s too generic and not helpful. For your feedback to be effective, highlight specific behaviours and situations you find problematic. Tell them why their behaviour is problematic and give them concrete suggestions so that they understand what a more effective behaviour looks like. Bear in mind, that if the team member knew how to do things differently, they probably would be doing it already.

​So, instead of saying the quality of your work is not good enough. Say: I noticed that in yesterday’s report there were errors on page 4 and 5, meaning we can’t send it to our clients. I need you to triple check your work before you send it to me. Are you able to do that?  And instead of saying: You need to improve your communication. Say: When you got stuck last week and missed the deadline, I wasn’t aware that you needed help. Next time, I would like you to notify me and ask for help. Is that okay?
 
Before you give your feedback, ask yourself if your message is clear, if it’s conveyed with good intentions, and if it’s helpful to the receiver. The purpose is to support the employee, not to trip them up or make them feel insecure. Try to balance being firm, yet kind and supportive at the same time. It’s important to treat people properly and encourage an open dialogue. If performance isn’t improving after you’ve tried the above, perhaps then it’s time to seek help from your manager or escalate to HR.

If you liked this post, you may also like:
How to give constructive, specific and well-meaning feedback
Top Tips for Providing Effective Feedback
The 4 leadership Behaviours that foster inclusion​
4 tips that will help you with challenging conversations
How to prevent chronic stress and burnout

​When was the last time you were faced with a person who was triggered emotionally? Perhaps a co-worker worrying about a change you wanted to implement. Perhaps a manager getting angry because of a delay on an important project. Or, perhaps a team member feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work on their plate.
 
Did their emotions spiral out of control? Or were you, as a bystander, able to help them get back on an even keel so that you could have a constructive conversation about how to move forward? That’s what this post is all about – understanding the steps you can take to help others self-regulate and thereby collaborate.

When we help others self-regulate – and are emotionally stable ourselves – we get much better results in any area of life. Not only is it more enjoyable to collaborate when our hearts and minds are open. The brain is also sharper, more creative and resourceful when we are emotionally regulated rather than when we are consumed by anger, fear or frustration.
 
If you’ve engaged with some of my videos on YouTube, you may be familiar with the concept of either being Above or Below the Line. If you haven’t come across this term before, have a look at this video which I recorded with Annmarie Curley. The video is part of a series of six recordings where we explore tools, strategies and mindset shifts that help leaders stay resilient and lead with emotional intelligence. Scroll to the bottom of this post for a link to all six recordings.

Are you ​Essentially, a person is above the line when they have an open and collaborative mindset, and they’re below the line when they feel triggered and stressed and go into some kind of contracted and closed state. 
 
When we’re above the line we see opportunities, we’re curious and we feel positive. It doesn’t mean that we can’t discuss threats or challenge ideas. It means that our heart and mind are open. We remain rational and can relate to what’s going on without getting hijacked by our emotions. 
 
When we’re below the line we feel some kind of negative emotion such as anger, fear, frustration, sadness, or jealousy. Our entire physiology changes. Our attention moves from the rational prefrontal cortex to the more emotional limbic brain. Our thoughts get clouded, we tense up, get stressed and aren’t able to properly engage or listen to others. 
 
The trick is to be aware of when we drop below the line – or when someone else does – so that we can do something about it.
 
Having said that, we’re only responsible for our own state of mind. We’re not responsible for how other people think or feel. Whereas our attitudes and actions impact others and can help a person calm down and see a situation from a new angle, we’re not responsible for their reactions. 

​It’s also worth emphasizing the importance of not dismissing other people’s so-called negative emotions, or asking them to be positive when they are not. We could call that toxic positivity.  As much as we want to help someone be more positive, the way to do it isn’t to shame them or ignore their negativity. On the contrary!
 
To help someone get back above the line we have to acknowledge the strong emotions that are present, be it anger, fear or frustration, and understand what caused them to come up. When an emotion is acknowledged and its message is heard, the emotion will automatically disappear because it’s served its purpose. When that happens, the nervous system calms down and it becomes easier to collaborate and have a constructive conversation about the way forward.
 
Keep reading to learn about the four steps that can help someone come back to equilibrium as well as examples of how to apply them.

​It’s near impossible to regulate others if you are below the line and feeling triggered yourself. One of the most effective ways to regulate yourself is the quick coherence breathing technique from the Heartmath Institute. You can learn more the technique, and practice it with Annmarie Curley and myself in this podcast episode.
 
The essence of the coherent breath technique is to spend a few minutes breathing deeper and slower than usual. Give it a go right now! Close your eyes, place your hand on your heart and begin to breathe deeper and slower than you normally would. As you slow down and deepen your breath, imagine that you’re breathing directly in and out of your heart. Then think about a positive emotion such a gratefulness, joy or love. Bring to mind a person or a situation that makes you feel this uplifting emotion.
 
If you breathe this way for just a few minutes you will notice how your physical, mental and emotional states change. Your fight or flight response will calm down, and you will be better able to insert a space between the situation that triggers you and how you respond to it. To get better at doing that, put some anchor points into your day where you practice this slower and deeper way of breathing. This could be whenever you get into your car, prepare a coffee, or start a conference call. The more you practice becoming aware of your state and changing it, the easier it will be to access it when it really matters.

​After you have calmed down your own nervous system, the next step is to actively listen to the other person’s story even if you disagree with their view. This is an essential part of regulating someone else’s nervous system. You have to allow them to vent and understand what their emotional reaction is all about. If someone is emotionally off centre, they aren’t able to engage in a logical conversation with you because their logical brain is off line. They need to calm down and move back into homeostasis in order for you to have a reasonable conversation with them. To learn more about the neuroscience of emotional states, listen to this podcast episode.
 
When you fully listen to someone, you allow them to vent and get their frustrations off their chest. Listening is also essential for building trust. I always say that one of the biggest gifts you can give someone is the gift of your full attention. 
 
Note that you don’t have to agree with another person in order to hear them out. You can simply ask them to share what their concern is and listen to their response. Your goal is to understand them, not to agree or disagree. When you think you’ve fully heard them, you can summarise by saying the way I understand your concerns is that…

Step two and three are closely linked. If step two is about listening to the other person’s thoughts and concerns, then step three is acknowledging their emotions. Powerful as it is, listening and understanding someone’s concerns aren’t enough. You also have to validate how they are feeling. 
 
Many people make the mistake of going straight to problem-solving and solution mode without listening and acknowledging the emotions first. They’re impatient and try to convince the other person that their thoughts and emotions are wrong. But doing so just increases the tension. 
 
This step isn’t about agreeing with the other person’s emotions or judging whether they are justified or not. You cannot argue with a person’s emotional response. All you can do is acknowledge how they feel. How do you do that? And how do you show empathy if you fundamentally don’t agree with them? You could say: I hear that you’re really worried and frustrated about this. I can understand that this is causing you to feel upset. 

​In the fourth step you ask clarifying questions and investigate how you can move forward. You’ll know you’re ready for step four when the other person is beginning to calm down. When that happens you can gently ask questions that help both of you understand the issue from different angles and identify how you might resolve it. As the other person is now more open and able to think rationally, you can ask questions such as:
 

• What’s another way of looking at this?
• What’s the most constructive thing we can do right now? 
• What steps do we need to take to come to an agreement?

 
As you’re asking these questions, you’re inviting new insights to come up that can help both of you gain a new perspective. Don’t manipulate the other person to think the way you do. it’s far more effective to ask open questions and collaborate in order to find the best way forward.

​Imagine a team member comes to you after a meeting, visibly stressed, and says, I can’t keep up with everything on my plate. I feel like I’m going to drop the ball on something important. 
 
In that situation, how might you apply the four steps?
 

1. Regulate Yourself: Check your tone and energy to ensure you’re supportive, not dismissive. If needed, use the quick coherence tool where you breathe deeper and slower than usual. Doing so will bring you above the line and ensure you’re not rushed.
2. Be Present and Listen: Find a private space where you can speak in confidence. Let the team member fully explain their challenges while maintaining a calm and empathetic demeanour. Your role is to listen rather than think of solutions.
3. Acknowledge their Feelings: Show empathy by saying to the team member: I can hear that you’re feeling overwhelmed by the workload. That’s completely understandable given everything that’s going on. Would you like us to look at how we can solve this together?
4. Investigate and Collaborate: When the team member has shared everything they want to and is visibly calmer, ask: What’s the most urgent priority right now? How do you think we can redistribute some of your tasks and find ways to make this more manageable?

​The four steps aren’t just applicable in 1-to-1 settings but also in meetings with several people. Group situations can be tricky to navigate, because when one person vents others may jump on the bandwagon. Even if it’s uncomfortable, the meeting facilitator needs to temper the environment and address the situation so that the tone of negativity doesn’t escalate. 
 
Imagine that during a project update, a senior manager openly criticizes delays caused by another team, saying; If this keeps happening, we’ll miss our deadline, and I’ll hold this team accountable. Tension rises in the room, with others chiming in or becoming defensive. 
 
How do you apply the four-step process in that situation? 
 

1. Regulate Yourself. Quickly ground yourself with a few deep breaths or use the quick coherence technique to stay calm. It’s imperative that you take time to pause before you respond. This is not the time to get defensive. 
2. Be Present and Listen: Allow the senior manager to vent their concerns without interruption. Stay calm and observe the energy in the room.
3. Acknowledge their Feelings: Say to the manager; I hear you’re feeling frustrated about the delays and the impact on the timeline. I can understand your reaction.
4. Investigate and Collaborate: When the manager has been fully listened to and goes quiet, ask; What can we focus on together right now to prevent further delays? Would it be okay to identify actionable steps we can all agree on?

 
Remember that you can use these steps whether you are at work or at home. Please comment on this post and share examples of how you’ve helped others self-regulate. 
 
And remember that it’s only by taking action that you experience real change.

​Episode 1: Create an Open and Curious Mindset During Challenging Times
Episode 2: Redefining Resilience In Leadership
Episode 3: Emotional Intelligence Unlocked: Leading with EQ
Episode 4: The Power of Self-Awareness
Episode 5: How to Help Others Self-Regulate
Episode 6: The Neuroscience of Emotional States
​

Several studies show that Emotional Intelligence, or EQ, is the single biggest predictor of personal and professional success. Not only is it the most important competency for leaders, it’s essential for anyone wishing to progress and improve their performance over and above their efficiency. ​

​Emotional Intelligence can be developed
In his book “Emotional Intelligence – why it can matter more than IQ” Daniel Goleman found that over 60% of the abilities that are essential for performance were emotional competencies and when it came to leadership that number rose to 90%. As a person moves up in the organisational hierarchy, more EQ capabilities show up as the reason for that person’s effectiveness.
 
This is not to say that a person’s level of IQ or technical skills aren’t important, but rather that an abundance of EQ is required to step up and develop from manager to leader. In fact, it’s difficult to imagine anyone being a great leader without having significant emotional competencies. 
 
Part of what makes a leader effective, is their ability to connect, motivate and understand others. High performing leaders keep their emotions in check and build strong relationships based on trust. Managers with lower levels of EQ can be extremely skilled at problem solving and getting things done, but often aren’t good at communicating change or bringing people with them. They may be socially out of touch and have difficulties regulating their emotions. 
 
The good news is that in contrast to IQ, Emotional Intelligence is a flexible skill set that can be learned and improved upon at any age. That also means leadership can be improved upon at any age.
 
Emotional Mastery
Emotional Intelligence can be defined as “the capacity to be aware of, control and express one’s emotions and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.” This doesn’t mean that Emotionally Intelligent people are nice all the time or that they never feel sad, angry or frustrated. 
 
People with high levels of EQ don’t push aside their emotions, nor do they let their emotions dominate everything that they do. Instead, they notice how they feel and consciously make a choice about how much emotion they want to express. Not only do they notice their own emotions, they also notice what is going on for other people. Is my counterpart feeling happy, sad, angry or fearful right now? How does that make me feel and how would I like to respond so that I achieve the best outcome for both of us?
 
To understand how to develop your emotional intelligence, first consider that it can be broken down in to 4 main competencies.

​Five Habits that Can Build Your Emotional Intelligence
Now we’ve discussed what emotional intelligence is, let’s look at what you can do to strengthen this all-important capability. It’s not enough to understand it intellectually – to get results you need to practice.
 
Strengthen your Self-Awareness
The first step to build your emotional intelligence is to strengthen your self-awareness. This is a foundational habit, because you can only change what you are aware of. One of the best ways to learn about yourself is to ask for honest feedback (ideally a 360° review) from your coworkers. Ask different sets of people, who have different relationships to you, what they feel your strengths are and what tips they have for improvement.
 
You can also build your self-awareness by taking time out to reflect and keeping a daily journal. Before you end your day, review how it went and reflect on how you felt. How did you manage your emotions, what did you notice about other people’s emotions and how did you respond to them? Also reflect on how you reacted to stressful situations. Did you become upset because of a delay or did you get angry because something didn’t happen the way you wanted? 
 
When you observe yourself, you become aware of your patterns, which is the most important step if you want to change them. As you reflect and build your self-awareness, be mindful not to use your insights to beat yourself up. Simply notice what is going on and accept where you are currently at.
 
Respond rather than react to situations
Essentially, this habit is about responding to situations rather than reacting to them. There’s a subtle but important difference between the two. Reacting is an unconscious process where you experience and react to an emotional trigger without thinking twice about it. This could happen, for instance, if you always get angry when a team member delivers their work late – or if you panic whenever your client asks you to incorporate a new change request. 
 
Responding, on the other hand, is a conscious process that involves noticing how you feel and then deciding how you want to behave. You may not choose the emotions that you feel, but you do have a choice regarding what you do with them. So instead of showing your anger to a team member because you feel irritated, take 5 slow breaths and choose the most appropriate response so that you don’t default to your automatic reaction. You could for instance explain to the person how you feel and what the impact is when work is delivered late. You can then work with the team member to ensure that it doesn't happen again.
 
As an emotionally intelligent leader you have to take responsibility for your emotions and the impact have on your surroundings. When you manage your impulses and consciously choose your responses, not only do you set a good example, you also create a safe environment for your team to freely communicate and express their views.
 
Notice what is going on for other people
A big part of being an emotionally intelligent leader is to notice what is going on for other people. If you don’t notice how your stakeholders and team members are feeling, it’s easy to make a faux pas or miscommunicate a message because you aren’t able to truly see the situation from their point of view. 
 
I often coach people who would like to become better communicators and who think that there is some kind of technique that they are missing out on. But communication isn’t just about what we say and how we say it. It is first and foremost about relating to another person and understanding what is going on for that person right now. Otherwise, how can we know that what we are about to say is relevant and appropriate to share?  So instead of focusing on what you want to say, notice what the other person is saying and what they are not saying. What are they feeling and why might that be? 
 
In order to master this habit, you will need to slow down and take a genuine interest in people who work with you. On any project there is a myriad of things to do and tasks that need to get completed which can push you to become overly task-oriented. Just consider a situation where you are sitting at your desk writing something and a coworker approaches you with a question. Do you give that person your full attention or do you continue to write your email whilst giving them a half-hearted answer? Unless you are in the middle of a crisis situation, seek to be fully present and pay attention to them.
 
Actively listen to people when they speak
The previous habit leads into the fourth habit, which is to fully listen to people when they speak. This is one of the essential keys to empathising and understanding other people. There are three levels at which you can listen. 
 
Level I listening is when you are listening to someone else, but at the same time you are hearing your own internal dialogue. If you’re sitting in a meeting listening to a presentation, you might at the same time think about all the things you need to get done after the meeting finishes. Most people listen at level I most of the time. It means that they are not really focused on the person who is saying something. 
 
Level II listening is when you are fully present and focused on the person who is speaking. You are engaged and take onboard what they are saying. This is likely to happen when you have a one-to-one conversation with your manager or when your friend is telling you a really engaging story. Unfortunately, we don’t often listen to others, which can be quite obvious to the other person. It makes them feel unimportant and creates distance rather than trust and camaraderie. 
 
But there is an even higher level of listening, and that’s level III. When you listen at level III, not only do you use your ears and are fully focused on the person in front of you, you also use your other senses to pick up what is really going on. This is the level at which coaches and therapists are taught to listen to their clients. At level III it’s possible to pick up if the words that are being used are congruent to what the rest of the person’s body is telling you. When you open up and use all of your senses to connect with a co-worker it will be much easier to relate to them, to read them and to understand what really makes them tick.
 
Embrace crucial conversations
The last habit we will focus on here, is to have an open mind towards difficult or crucial conversations. High stakes, opposing opinions and strong emotions on one or both sides, characterise a crucial conversation. Because the emotions are high you can easily lose your cool and say something that you will later regret. 
 
In the workplace there are many situations you might find challenging, such as giving feedback on poor performance or giving bad news about a delay or a cost overrun. It can also be challenging to work and communicate with others when you disagree on how a project should be run or what the best solution to a problem is. Unfortunately, most people aren’t trained to have these crucial conversations and therefore tend to avoid them. But avoiding them of course doesn’t make the issue go away. In fact, it often makes it worse.  
 
To prepare for a crucial conversion, seek to ask yourself the following questions in advance: What is the real problem? How do I feel about it? What would my counterpart say the problem is? What is my preferred outcome? What is my preferred working relationship with my counterpart? 
 
Before you start the conversation, take a slow, deep breath and relax your body. The more relaxed you are and the more oxygen you have flowing through your body, the more likely it is that you will be able to stay calm and positively manage your emotions. Remember that managing your emotions doesn’t mean suppressing them. Emotionally intelligent leaders can absolutely feel anger or fear, but they don’t let the emotion run away with them or define them. 
 
In summary, emotionally intelligent leaders are fully aware of what they feel about a situation and can absolutely have strong emotions, but instead of reacting out of fear or anger, they take a deep breath and slow down their response. As they do so, they create time to consider what the right response is in order that trust, collaboration and motivation can flourish. Emotionally intelligent leaders aren’t just focused on themselves. They are accustomed to giving other people their full attention and to show them that they matter. Not only do they listen with their ears, they also use their intuition to understand what is really going on and what the situation calls for.
 

I’ve just released my third book, How to Do the Inner Work – A Guide to Self-Discovery, Empowerment and Emotional Healing. But what does it mean to do the inner work and what are the benefits? 
 
In essence, doing the inner work means that if you’re stuck and want something to change, your first point of call is to work with your internal world of thoughts, beliefs, emotions, body and breath, before seeking to change something external to you.  
 
If you only look for the answer to your problems outside yourself, you can get locked into a reactive and defensive mode of relating. Whereas instinctive reactions aren’t wrong, they keep you small and don’t address the root of your problems. 

​For example, you might feel frustrated and overreact because someone you rely on hasn’t done what they said they would. You send an angry email to a co-worker blaming them for a late delivery. Or you start looking for a new job because you didn’t get the promotion you were hoping for. 
 
These examples relate to work, but we could easily come up with personal examples too. The patterns are the same. We react based on an emotional trigger, which can make matters worse. Not only that, we get into a downward spiral of negative thoughts causing us to accumulate stress and tension beyond what is healthy. 
 
In another example you feel stressed and overworked. You have high standards, find it hard to delegate and don’t want to overburden your team. You thrive on praise from your managers, which makes it hard to say no to extra work. You secretly blame others for your situation and think to yourself “if only my workload would diminish, then I’d be happy. If only my team members had more capacity and were better skilled, then my stresses would melt away.”
 
Fixing your problems in the external world will give you temporary relief, but shifting them once and for all requires you to investigate which part of your programming is getting in your way. Do you believe for instance, that your self-worth is linked to how much you achieve at work? Do you believe that other people’s needs are more important than your own? And what do you do with the emotions that arise when you feel you’re not in control? 
 
When we uncover the beliefs that are running us, and learn to question them, we can change our perception and our situation quicker than we think. I know that to be true. I was once an overworked manager who found it hard to self-regulate in emotionally challenging situations. Until we dare to question our operating system, we will continue to feel stuck and overwhelmed. 
 
Doing the inner work can help us acknowledge how we feel, and shift our perspective so that we can take the right kind of action. Spending time uncovering our true desires, as well as our painful thoughts and emotions, is essential if we want to create healthier ways of relating to ourselves and the world.
 
If you feel curious and would like to go on an inner journey of growth and self-discovery, get the book or listen to it on audible. It will give you profound insights into your needs, behaviours, thinking patterns, and emotions so that you can reduce stress and infuse more joy and meaning into your life.

“This is a major, well-written and inspirational contribution to the science of emotional healing and self-discovery. Truly a self-help tool in a league of its own. A most needed beacon of light in the dark.”  ​-Lars Muhl, author of The O Manuscrip

In this post I’ll talk about one of the most prevalent leadership styles I see in project management – the hero project manager. 
 

• Why are we so drawn to this style of management? 
• How can it be a trap that leads to poor performance and burnout? 
• What would a more effective and empowering leadership style look like? 

Essentially, the hero project manager is someone who flies in and saves the day, moving the project forward based on their personal involvement and telling others what to do.
 
Imagine you are responsible for a project. It’s not progressing as expected and the previous manager had to leave due to personal circumstances. Now it’s your responsibility to find a new lead, and you have just the right person in mind. It’s a great project manager who knows what he is doing. He understands the subject matter and has delivered similar projects before.
 
A few weeks later the new manager gets started and works really hard to get the project under control. Soon after, the team knows exactly what needs to get done, and by when. The new PM isn’t afraid of rolling up his sleeves and getting work done. On the contrary – he is involved in detailed decision-making, and whenever an issue crops up, he jumps in to help. There is regular and transparent reporting on progress to senior management and they are delighted with his approach. The client is no longer in despair, but hopeful once again that the project will be delivered on time. 
 
This is the hero project manager in action. Someone who flies in and clears up the mess. It’s a directive and hands-on management style which is popular in many organisations. It’s not difficult to spot why it’s so appealing. In the short term this pacesetting approach does have some merits. The project is picking up pace, there is a higher level of control and inefficiencies are being ironed out. 
 
But what happens after a while? What happens when senior management keeps pushing for aggressive deadlines? What happens when the PM keeps the pressure up for long enough? Essentially, the team becomes exhausted and demotivated due to the high pace and micro management. The more control the manager applies, the more dis-empowered the team will become. 
 
Why is this a problem? Because in an increasingly complex world we need empowered, motivated and skilled teams that can innovate. We need teams that can change course, come up with solutions to complex problems and make quick, informed decisions. The world is far from linear and we can no longer rely on the manager to sort it all out. There is simply too much complexity for that to be a viable option. We need everyone’s hearts and minds to be fully engaged.
 
Pacesetting isn’t wrong. It can be used effectively in the short term to raise the standard of an underperforming team. But over time it leads to exhaustion and poor performance. The team becomes burnt out and disillusioned because their efforts and ideas aren’t being appreciated. 
 
The project manager believes they are doing the right thing and that their push-approach is the only way. They are not aware that by swapping their directive approach for one that’s more inclusive and collaborative they can create a much higher performing team. They are not aware that when they stop solving all the problems, they automatically give more power to the team and encourage people to take more ownership. 
 
Note, that I’m not talking about a laissez-faire approach where the manager blindly trusts the team without ever challenging them. That’s not effective. What we need is engaged and challenging leaders who can align their teams around a common goal and coach them to find their own answers.
 
There are many ways that can help someone transform from manager to leader. Training, coaching, feedback, self-reflection and the willingness to experiment with new behaviours are all part of the journey. On our leadership programmes we train people in tools and behaviours that can help – including asking more open questions, using silence, deepening their communication, truly connecting with others, delegating, and making use of a team charter, to name just a few. 
 
For more resources, check out:
 
Book:
The Power of Project Leadership
 
Blog Posts:
What Makes a High Performing Team
How to Become a Better Coach
How to Deepen Your Communication
How to Prevent Chronic Stress and Burnout
Innovative Leaders Ask Powerful What-If Questions
The Yin & Yang of Project Leadership
 

​Collaborating with clients, stakeholders and team members can be challenging. Some situations – and people – push your buttons, making it hard for you to self-regulate and respond appropriately. Perhaps someone you rely on hasn’t completed a critical task on time, and as the manager it now falls back on you to resolve the issue as it’s ultimately your responsibility. You get annoyed and angry and say things you wish you hadn’t. But why do some situations trigger such a strong reaction in you and what can you do about it?
 
The core quadrant model is a powerful tool developed by Daniel Ofman. It offers valuable insight into human behaviour and helps explain why we sometimes react so strongly to others in our personal and professional lives. It’s also a great tool for understanding what we need to do more of to strengthen our emotional maturity and become a more balanced person and leader.

Challenge
To avoid your pitfall and overusing your strength, you have to focus on your challenge. Your challenge, which is depicted in the bottom right-hand quadrant, is the exact opposite of your pitfall. If your pitfall is being pushy, then your challenge is being patient. If you can be patient at the same time as you are determined it will make you a more mature and complete person. 
 
The idea is not to take away from your core quality and make you less determined. The idea is to add more patience to the mix so that there is balance between your core quality and your challenge. It’s about both/and, rather than either/or. In this example, we could say that you need to become patiently determined. 
 
Allergy
What’s interesting is that too much of your challenge is likely to trigger an allergic reaction in you. When someone is too patient, they can become passive which is your allergy. Your allergy is the opposite of your core quality. You may get angry and overreact when you come across people who you perceive as passive. It’s also possible that you find it difficult to display more patience because you are afraid of becoming too passive. 
 
But your challenge and your allergy are not the same thing. As long as you confuse your challenge (patient) with your allergy (passive) your challenge will remain unattainable.
 
It’s thought-provoking that you can learn the most from people who you are the most allergic to. That’s because they have too much of something you are lacking. When you react strongly to a team member or a stakeholder, it often says more about you than them. A team member may be quite relaxed about a task that needs to be completed, but in your mind they are passive and non-caring, which makes you more stressed and pushy. Not a good reaction. The team member might actually be on top of the task, but provokes a reaction from you because their approach is different to yours. 
 
All you need to do in that situation is to relax for a moment. Take a slow deep breath and ask yourself: What is happening right now? With that awareness you will be less caught up in your habitual patterns and more likely to respond in a new way.
 
Another curious insight from this model is that the core quality of your life partner or best friend is likely to be your challenge. Opposites attract! But that also means that you may be married to your allergy! What a great opportunity to work on yourself and expand your emotional maturity.
 
What does your core quadrant look like?
To dive deeper, create your own core quadrant:

• What is a core quality of yours? Something you are inherently good at and that people complement you for? 
• What happens when you over-use that quality? What is your pitfall and in which situations does it tend to show itself? 
• The opposite of your pitfall is your challenge. This is a positive quality that you need more of to balance your strength. What is your challenge and how can you pay more attention to it?
• Finally, the extreme version of your challenge is your allergy. What does your allergy look like and in which project situations are you confronted with it? How can you stop confusing your challenge with your allergy?

​Inclusion is the action or state of being included or including others in groups, decisions and structures. Inclusive managers and leaders are highly sought after because they have the ability to make others feel safe and accepted, which in turn means that they are more likely to innovate, be a team player and contribute to high performance. Inclusion isn’t just a nice idea. It creates a true win-win situation. Team members feel involved, empowered and trusted. The organisation benefits from a more engaged and motivated team, and the client receives a better product or service.
 
Asked to assess themselves, most managers would say that they strive to involve and empower others. My work with senior leaders shows however, that they’re often not as inclusive as they think they are. Inadvertently, many managers end up disempowering their teams because they fail to delegate, ask, listen and coach. Instead, there is a tendency to retain control, give too much direction, and stay attached to their own ideas and ways of working. 

Feelings of belongingness and uniqueness are at the heart of inclusion
 
A 2014 study by Catalyst, highlighted the striking similarities across six major countries in how employees characterize inclusion and the leadership behaviors that help to foster it. The study, which included employees from Australia, China, Germany, India, Mexico and the US, revealed that:

• The more included employees felt, the more innovative they reported being in their jobs.
• The more included employees felt, the more they went above and beyond the “call of duty”.
• Perceiving similarities with co-workers produced a feeling of belongingness, while perceiving differences led to feelings of uniqueness.

 
The findings from the study show that in order for inclusion to happen, leaders have to value the differences as well as the commonalities of others. Valuing the differences is about recognizing the individual team member for who they are, acknowledging their uniqueness and helping them stand out from the crowd. Being acknowledged for our uniqueness and distinctive talents, is one of the most fundamental needs that all humans have. It makes us feel significant and special and makes us want to go the extra mile. 
 
Valuing someone’s commonalities on the other hand, is about making team members feel that they fit in and are accepted within the group. This part speaks to another human need that everyone has – the need to develop rapport and closeness with like-minded people and feeling that we belong to the group. 
 
When these basic needs are met, team members open up, collaborate and happily share their ideas. When they’re not met, for instance when a manager criticizes or excludes someone, it causes people to withdraw, stop engaging, or become overly critical and argumentative.
 
According to Catalyst, there are four major leadership behaviours that help to foster inclusion and lead to feelings of uniqueness and belongingness. The four attributes are Empowerment, Accountability, Courage, and Humility. Mastering these behaviours enables leaders to create an environment where team members can thrive and bring their whole selves to work. 
            
1. Empowerment
Empowerment is the ability to enable team members to develop and excel and to give them the best conditions to do so. This is about helping team members to grow, giving them the freedom to handle difficult situations, and providing the coaching they need without taking back control. When leaders coach, they trust that the team member can handle the situation on their own with a bit of guidance. That’s very different to micro managing someone and telling them exactly how to do something.
 
Empowerment is also about allowing the team to work flexibly and make decisions about when, where, and how work gets done. That means accepting and celebrating different ways of working, even if they're different from their own preferences. Some people are most productive in the morning, whereas others work better in the evening. Some people work well in loud coffee shops, and others prefer to be in a space that’s quiet. It shouldn't matter whether an employee is leaving early, as long as they're getting the work done and are collaborating effectively with others. 
 
2. Accountability
Accountability is the act of demonstrating confidence in team members by holding them responsible for performance that’s within their control. Many managers struggle with this, and find it difficult to give direct feedback when someone is not delivering what was agreed. Inclusive leaders first and foremost have to make sure that expectations are set – and mutually agreed – and that the team member is fully equipped to carry out the task. Secondly, they have to provide clear and regular feedback on performance as a way to support and coach the team member. It becomes much easier to hold someone accountable without the need to show aggression or become overly controlling, when outcomes and deliverables have been mutually agreed. 
 
We also shouldn’t forget, that in order to lead effectively, leaders have to hold themselves to account as role models and as champions for work-life effectiveness. Team members must be able to rely on their manager and feel that they’re human and that they sometimes need to take time off as well. When the manager leaves work early on occasion, it sends a message to the team that work-life effectiveness is an accepted part of the culture, and that both work and life matter. The key message is that we focus on the results that individuals produce rather than the time they spend in the office.
 
3. Courage 
Courage is the ability to put personal interests aside to achieve what needs to be done. That means acting based on convictions and principles, even when it requires personal risk-taking. There are many different ways for leaders to show courage, for instance questioning the status quo, advocating for new ways to get the work done, and standing up for what they believe is right. They can also show courage by standing up for the team and fighting against a mentality that emphasizes hitting deadlines at the expense of everything else. Courage is also related to trusting that team members will get the work done based on the support they are receiving, and giving honest and fair feedback when required. Everyone needs feedback, but not all managers take the time, or have the guts to do it. 
 
4. Humility 
Humility is the capacity to admit mistakes, to accept and learn from others and to ask for help in order to overcome limitations. Leaders aren’t perfect beings who always have the answers and who never make mistakes. In fact, if we try to project that kind of image it most likely means that we’re not a very good leader. When we can ask for help and admit that we don’t know everything, we show that we’re human and create the space for others to step up and grow. What’s important isn’t what we know personally, but what the team knows. This sends a clear signal that the entire team is needed, as the leader doesn’t have all the answers on their own.
 
We can also demonstrate humility by taking on board criticism, double-checking our assumptions, admitting that our own way isn’t the only way, and by giving the team the credit for successful results.
 
 
In summary
Inclusive leadership has the power to make an enormous difference to the level of collaboration, innovation, and performance of a team. When applied correctly inclusive leadership can provide the tools, behaviours and mind-set for team members to be more effective, not only at work but also in their personal lives. Inclusion happens when leaders value the differences as well as the commonalities of others. By actively demonstrating the four leadership attributes of Empowerment, Accountability, Courage, and Humility, leaders can create a safe environment where team members can thrive and be their best.
​

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Severe stress that leads to sickness and burnout is a growing issue in organisations. With the ‘always-on’ work culture and fewer people employed to get work done, many stretch themselves to the point where their body and mind can no longer cope. A recent study of 382,000 employees, revealed that the discussion of burnout amongst UK workers is up 48 percent. And a report from Westfield Health, shows that 51 percent of people surveyed believe they’re less than a month away from burnout. Unfortunately, as shocking as these figures are, they correspond to my own experience. In my coaching practice up to 50 percent of the people I work with, have an unhealthy work/life balance, and many suffer with physical, mental or emotional symptoms.

​Chronic stress is dangerous
Chronic stress is a dangerous condition that must be addressed before it leads to burnout or other serious illnesses. When we’re chronically stressed, our body is in a constant state of fight or flight with little ability to rest and recovery. This kind of prolonged stress is harmful and very different to the short bursts of stress, that help us rise to a challenge and perform at our best. We’re built to handle stress as long as it’s intermittent. Trying to avoid stress isn’t possible, nor is it advisable. The trick is to build in sufficient time to recover. As soon as a stressful event is over, we’re meant to relax so that our body and mind can rest and build back strength.
 
Sadly, people often aren’t able to detect that they suffer from prolonged stress, even if it’s obvious to others. That’s because they become used to the high levels of adrenaline and get addicted to the buzz it creates. To make matters worse, many dismiss their aches and pains. They don’t want to show weakness and they tell themselves, that their ailments are normal. But if we want to avoid burnout, we have to take the warning signs seriously. That includes symptoms as diverse as memory problems, insomnia, frequent colds, impatience and not being able to sit still without fidgeting or checking the phone. If someone is overly anxious or can’t relax during a holiday or on a Sunday afternoon, it’s a warning sign that should not be ignored. 
 
Unhelpful beliefs are at the root of stress
Chronic stress is often caused by a combination of external and internal factors. External factors can relate to an excessive workload, unrealistic deadlines or a company culture that expects employees to work overtime. But external factors are never the root cause of why someone ends up chronically stressed. Internal factors, in the form of unhelpful beliefs and behaviours on the part of the employee, play a crucial role. It could be, for instance, that the individual has difficulties saying no, because they’re motivated by an unhealthy need to be seen and validated. It’s also possible that they drive themselves too hard because they’re addicted to being in control and can’t let go of the detail.
 
This is not to say that the organisation is innocent. Managers have to take responsibility for aggressive deadlines and for expecting staff to work overtime to meet them. At the same time, the individual has to understand why they are prone to stress and why they have difficulties setting boundaries and prioritising their own needs. A good question to ask, is under what circumstances they would be able to approach themselves with more softness and compassion.
 
Type A personalities are more prone to burn-out
People who are the most likely to burn out are type A personalities, perfectionists and people-pleasers. Whilst type A personalities are results-oriented, energetic and feel that they are able to deal with anything, people-pleasers are driven by the desire to not let others down. In a work-environment these types are highly sought after because they get things done and are keen to meet or exceed expectations. But although their work-ethic can be gratifying, it will take a toll over time, and it can put undue pressure on others.
 
To avoid burnout, type A personalities would benefit from scaling back their goal-orientation and letting go of unrealistic expectations. When someone is too achievement-oriented, and measure their successes in terms of completed projects or milestones, they become overly attached to the outcome. A more fulfilling way to approach work and life would be to enjoy the journey, and to build sound relationships that can be nurtured on a day-to-day basis. Opening up, showing vulnerability and being genuinely interested in others can be a much better stress buster than many wellness programmes. 
 
Learning to set healthy boundaries
Everyone has a different level of energy and a different threshold for how much pressure they can handle. It’s also true, that whilst specific activities tend to drain some people, others find them energising. To avoid burnout, employees have to be honest with themselves about their limitations and take them seriously. A good place to start is to reflect on the activities they tend to find draining during an average week, and the activities give them energy. The equation has to stack up. Burnout happens when a person spends more energy than they gain for a prolonged period of time. When I did this exercise many years ago, I came to the conclusion that during the week, my energy levels were fine up until 6pm. At that point I would usually spend an extra hour at the office responding to emails before going home. It was this last hour that drained me. Once I realised that, I restructured my day so that I didn’t end up drained. Staying on the healthy side of stress, however, isn’t just about someone’s behaviour at work. Many tend to also overcommit themselves in their private life. Either way, the first step in making a lasting change is to become self-aware and being willing to listen to the signals from within the body.
 
Become a mindful observer
Self-awareness also plays a crucial role in helping employees manage their emotions when their stress hormones begin to rise. Being self-aware gives them the ability to become mindful observers of their thoughts and feelings without attaching too much judgement to them. As they observe themselves from the outside, they’re better able to put things in perspective and regulate their emotions before they take over. Failing to do that could result in someone becoming disproportionally emotional and overreacting. Perhaps they get overly sad or anxious, or they say and do things which they later regret. 
 
To build this kind of awareness, employees will have to pause, relax their tense muscles, and take a few deep breaths the moment they start to feel triggered. Remembering to pause, relax and breathe may be counterintuitive, but it’s the only thing that can truly help someone to manage their emotional reactions. Instead of reverting to a knee-jerk reaction, the employee waits for their emotions to stabilise before responding. Not only will this help them to manage their stress response, it also puts them in a much better position to think clearly about the action they want to take. 


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​Simply put, coaching is a way of helping others progress and resolve issues without telling them what to do. It can be a very powerful leadership style because in the process of encouraging employees to think for themselves, not only do we get access to great ideas, we also cultivate autonomy, growth and confidence. That’s what workers want. They want to be managed by someone who is interested in their ideas, has their back and invests in their development. The last thing people want is a controlling micro-manager or a boss who believes that his or her ideas and ways of working are better than everybody else’s. 
 
When you use coaching as a leadership style, you are better able to deepen your interactions, build trust and create an engaged and empowered team. Bob Nelson said that ‘you get the best effort from others not by lighting a fire beneath them, but by building a fire within’. The fire within can be stimulated by engaging with people’s ideas and by positively challenging their ways of thinking. I love the way Liz Wiseman describes it in her book ‘The Multipliers’. She says that the best leaders shift the burden of thinking to others by asking questions that challenge them, not only to think, but to rethink. 

Coaching is built on the fundamental belief that people are resourceful and can generate their own solutions. That’s especially true with team members who have prior knowledge and experience to draw from. Coaching is less appropriate with people who are junior or new in a role. Rather than challenging their level of thinking, they probably need a mentor who can show them how to do something and how to resolve the issue at hand. I use the word ‘mentor’ deliberately as it’s different to that of a coach. When you mentor someone you give advice based on your own experiences, a bit like one-2-one teaching.

It can be challenging not to give advice
When you coach you are driven by curiosity and by the desire to surface understanding and insight in the team member. That enables the team member to find their own solutions. Listening fully, and asking open questions – without layering your own solutions on top - is one of the best ways to do that. But stopping yourself from giving advice is easier said than done. In fact, it can seem counter-intuitive, as many managers feel that their job is to provide solutions, and to do it quickly. But providing the solution and telling others what to do can be very disempowering for others, even if it gets the issue resolved here and now. Your role as a leader is to help the employee deepen their understanding of the situation by asking great questions and guiding them to see what the way forward is. In that sense, coaching encourages your team to take responsibility for the changes they want to see, and to identify the steps required to realise those changes. 
 
Strengthen your listening skills
One of the biggest building blocks of coaching is to fully listen to what the employee or team member is saying, without interrupting or impatiently wanting to move on. To be an effective coach at work, you need to make use of your best listening skills, which means that you should aim to listen at Level III:

1. Level I – Internal listening – This is when you are primarily focused on your own inner voice, thoughts, feelings and opinions whilst the other person is speaking. It basically means that you’re only partially paying attention to the other person, because you’re busy listening to your own mind chatter. Most of us listen at this level most of the time. 
2. Level II – Focused listening – This is when you keep an intense focus on the other person and are paying attention to every word they say. Nothing is distracting you. When you listen at this level, the other person will feel the gift of your attention. They are more likely to open up and trust you.
3. Level III – Global listening – Believe it or not, but there is an even higher level of listening. When you listen at level III, you don’t just listen intently with your ears - you use your entire body and your intuition. You’re so tuned into the other person that you notice expressions, tone of voice, hesitations, sadness, lightness and shifts in attitude. When you listen at this level you will know intuitively what the best question is to ask next.

​
​Listening at Level III may take some practice as many of us are focused on our own internal dialogue. To hone your listening skills, begin to observe people when they speak. Be fully present and seek to hear beyond the words. Notice their body language and emotions and what they are really trying to say.
 
The GROW model provides a good framework 
One of the most popular frameworks for structuring a coaching conversation is the GROW model, which stands for Goal, Reality, Options and Will do. Even if you don’t follow the model step by step, it gives you a good understand of how you might approach the conversation and the types of questions you might ask. The model consists of four parts that you step through:

1. Goal – During a coaching conversation you first need to set the goal and understand what the problem, issue or aspiration is that you’re talking about. What would the team member like to achieve? What is the issue they are trying to resolve? You might ask: What would you like to achieve? Tell me about the issue. What does the situation look like when the problem is resolved?
2. Reality – The biggest part of the conversation will normally take place during this second step where you let the person tell their story. What is happening right now and how are they experiencing the situation? You could ask: What is the current situation? What have you already tried? What obstacles are in your way?
3. Options – At some stage when you feel you both have a good understanding of the problem and the current situation, you begin to explore options for moving forward. What could the employee do to overcome the problem and achieve their objective? Here you could ask: What could you do to resolve this? Which option is the fastest/easiest? What would you do in the ideal situation? What else?
4. Will do – Right at the end of the conversation you encourage the employee to take responsibility for the changes they want to see by asking what steps they are willing to take to move forward. Use questions such as: What action will you take? By when? What type of support do you need? How can I help? Note that it’s entirely appropriate to offer your help as long as you don’t end up doing the work for them.

 
Actively look for opportunities to coach your team
Even if you don’t remember the details of the GROW model in a given moment, you can still practice your coaching skills simply by asking more open questions and limiting the amount of advice you give. The best way to start practicing is to actively look for opportunities during day-to-day interactions, for instance when a team member asks you for advice about how to structure a client meeting. Instead of telling them how you think it should be done, coach them in the moment by asking questions that begin with what, how and who. For instance:

• What is the real purpose of the meeting?
• What outcomes would you like to get from it?
• How do you want people to feel as a result of the meeting?
• Who will be attending?
• What happened at the last meeting you attended?
• What are your thoughts about how you might structure the meeting?
• What are the advantages and disadvantages of these options?
• What is holding you back?
• What’s the real issue here?
• What do you feel is the best way forward?
• What support do you need?
• What else do you need to consider?

 
If you’re pressed for time, you might think that it’s quicker and easier to just tell people how you would like them to do something, but it’s much more rewarding for team members to identify the solution for themselves. As a result they will feel more empowered and motivated to contribute.
 
Remember to adapt your leadership style and to only use coaching when it’s appropriate. During a crisis – or when the stakes are high – it’s more effective to give clear direction. And when you are interfacing with someone who is new in their role, coaching might also not be the best approach. Other than that, it's hard to go wrong. Have a play and experiment with asking lots of open questions.

​How to have challenging conversations
Working effectively on a project, interacting with stakeholders and leading the team to deliver the best outcomes, require hundreds if not thousands of conversations. Not all of these conversations are going to be easy or pleasant. Customer expectations need to be managed and the team needs to find its feet. Many heated conversations may be had about scope, quality, timelines, budget, resources, solutions, tools and methods. In addition, team members represent diverse cultures, values and languages. They have different ways of working and diverse ways of solving problems. Negotiating a way forward, giving feedback and delivering bad news is often necessary, but not easy. 

What makes these conversations challenging?
Think of a conversation that you typically find challenging. When you examine it you will probably find that 1) There is a lot at stake. 2) There are opposing opinions. 3) There are strong emotions on one or both sides. For example, if you need to tell your client that you’ve hit a major roadblock and that the project will be delayed, it will turn out to be a challenging conversation – especially if your client has a strong emotional reaction and suggests a solution that you know isn’t possible. 
 
The types of conversations that I personally find challenging is when I need to say no to a piece of work for an important client. I feel that there is a lot at stake because I’m worried about damaging the relationship. That also means that I’m likely to go into the conversations with strong emotions rooted in fear. I’m unsure how my client will react and I’m worried they will try to put pressure on me or think less of me.
 
The emotional component 
The emotional component is one of the most important aspects to examine as it’s often the key to navigating and unlocking a challenging conversation. It turns out that we humans aren’t as rational and logical as we would like to think. A large part of our behaviour is influenced by emotions that we’re not aware of. In situations where we get emotionally triggered, a fight, flight or freeze reaction is activated in our mind and body. When our emotional brain kicks in it’s essentially trying to protect us and prepare us for danger. The heart beats faster, our breathing speeds up, blood rushes to the muscles and our focus narrows.

This automatic reaction is great when we’re in physical danger, but in a conversation it’s more likely to hinder than help. When we get emotionally triggered, the brain’s focus is diverted from the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for decision making and complex cognitive behaviour, towards the emotional brain. In other words, when we become overly emotional, we lose the ability to think clearly, to make rational decisions and to draw conclusions. Unfortunately, we’re often emotionally triggered even before a conversation begins. We’re angry because a team member hasn’t delivered what he or she promised. Or we’re worried because our boss wants to talk to us about yet another project to be added to our plate. 
 
Our emotions aren't wrong. They are justified and serve the purpose of keeping us safe. But if we’re not able to manage them effectively, they will narrow our focus and prevent us from having an open-minded conversation and getting to the root of a problem. They might even influence us not to give feedback to someone even if we have a great deal to say. We simply avoid or delay the conversation because we find it too unpleasant. We’re worried that if we fully show up, speak our truth, or put our demands on the table, we will be rejected or criticized. But when difficult topics aren’t openly discussed they will mushroom under the surface. That can cause dysfunctional team behaviour, where sarcastic comments are made but never fully explored. 
​
Let's examine four tips that will help you prepare for and conduct challenging conversations.

1. Build self-awareness. Becoming aware of the conversations you tend to find most challenging, understanding why that is and how you usually react is the most fundamental step. That’s because you can only really change a pattern or a behaviour that you are aware of. Set aside some time to reflect on your current and past projects in a place where you will not be interrupted. What are the types of conversations that are the most challenging for you? In which situations do they typically arise? What makes them challenging? How do you feel entering into them (angry, afraid, sad)? How do they usually unfold? What are some of your typical behavioural patterns? Do you for instance tend to get defensive, competitive or aggressive? Or do you become avoidant or compliant? Is it easy or difficult for you to express your thoughts, feelings and needs during a conversation? Do you welcome challenging conversations or not at all? Be as objective and non-judgemental as you can. Simply write down your observations and see if you can identify a few of the traps that you usually fall into. 

2. Prepare for the conversation. We sometimes expect that we should be able to navigate a complex conversation on the fly without any preparation. As a result, we don’t always get to say what we really wanted to and end up beating ourselves up for having omitted an important point or not expressed our real need. Proper preparation cannot be underestimated. In the leadership programmes I run, the participants are asked to experiment and practice challenging conversations with actors. The actors, who are excellent at triggering our participants, might for instance play an angry client or an underperforming team member. Over time the participants learn what to watch out for and they always emphasise how much they learn from the prep-time we give them before getting into action.

So, set aside time to prepare and to think through why you are having the conversation, what you perceive the problem to be and what your preferred outcome is. How would you like your working relationship with your counterpart to be and what kind of mindset would you like to show up with? Also think about what the facts and tangible examples are that you want to present to your counterpart. Then, turn the tables and consider how the other person sees the problem and what they might want from the conversation. What are their underlying needs and what is their emotional state likely to be? By considering what your counterpart’s perspective is you will be more perceptive during the conversation and less likely to be caught off guard.   

3. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. As Dr Stephen Covey said, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply”. If you enter the conversation with an agenda to first be understood and to get your points across, the effectiveness of the conversation will be limited and you might end up arguing who is right and who is wrong. An open and curious attitude, where you suspend your judgements as much as possible, listen, and ask lots of open questions, will get you much further. Even if you have a preferred outcome in mind, the goal of the conversation should be to collaborate and to openly discuss the issue before a conclusion is reached.

Don’t feel you have to have the entire solution thought through in advance. That leaves little room for collaboration. You can also improve the atmosphere by speaking in person and by sitting down rather than standing up. It’s more grounding. When it’s your turn to express your viewpoint, be honest and name the real issue. Don’t minimise it. You have to agree what the problem is before you can solve it. Be mindful however not to get confrontational, accusatory or to speak down to the other person. That undermines the entire process. Speak the truth as cleanly as you can by explaining how you see the issue, how it makes you feel and which potential solutions you see. 

4. Respond rather than react. As previously discussed, it’s important that you keep your emotions in check during the conversation as they may otherwise highjack and derail you. If the conversation goes as smoothly as you have planned, staying calm and clear-headed will be easy enough. It’s much more difficult if your counterpart throws in a wildcard, starts to accuse you of something or in other ways makes you feel uncomfortable. If that happens just stay quiet for a moment. Breathe as deeply and slowly as you can and relax your body, as that’s the way to slow down your heart rate and stay connected to the rational part of your brain. The goal in any conversation is to consciously respond to what is being said rather than lashing out based on a kneejerk reaction. Don’t let yourself get provoked.

​When our participants practice having challenge conversations with actors, they experience time after time how powerful silence can be. Five seconds of silence may feel like an eternity. But it works! Not only does it send a strong message to your counterpart, it’s also an effective way to help you manage your own emotions. If your counterpart’s behaviour is unacceptable, for instance if they belittle you, then you need to call it out and express how you are experiencing their behaviour. Not that easy, but necessary.  


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