​When was the last time you were faced with a person who was triggered emotionally? Perhaps a co-worker worrying about a change you wanted to implement. Perhaps a manager getting angry because of a delay on an important project. Or, perhaps a team member feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work on their plate.
 
Did their emotions spiral out of control? Or were you, as a bystander, able to help them get back on an even keel so that you could have a constructive conversation about how to move forward? That’s what this post is all about – understanding the steps you can take to help others self-regulate and thereby collaborate.

When we help others self-regulate – and are emotionally stable ourselves – we get much better results in any area of life. Not only is it more enjoyable to collaborate when our hearts and minds are open. The brain is also sharper, more creative and resourceful when we are emotionally regulated rather than when we are consumed by anger, fear or frustration.
 
If you’ve engaged with some of my videos on YouTube, you may be familiar with the concept of either being Above or Below the Line. If you haven’t come across this term before, have a look at this video which I recorded with Annmarie Curley. The video is part of a series of six recordings where we explore tools, strategies and mindset shifts that help leaders stay resilient and lead with emotional intelligence. Scroll to the bottom of this post for a link to all six recordings.

Are you ​Essentially, a person is above the line when they have an open and collaborative mindset, and they’re below the line when they feel triggered and stressed and go into some kind of contracted and closed state. 
 
When we’re above the line we see opportunities, we’re curious and we feel positive. It doesn’t mean that we can’t discuss threats or challenge ideas. It means that our heart and mind are open. We remain rational and can relate to what’s going on without getting hijacked by our emotions. 
 
When we’re below the line we feel some kind of negative emotion such as anger, fear, frustration, sadness, or jealousy. Our entire physiology changes. Our attention moves from the rational prefrontal cortex to the more emotional limbic brain. Our thoughts get clouded, we tense up, get stressed and aren’t able to properly engage or listen to others. 
 
The trick is to be aware of when we drop below the line – or when someone else does – so that we can do something about it.
 
Having said that, we’re only responsible for our own state of mind. We’re not responsible for how other people think or feel. Whereas our attitudes and actions impact others and can help a person calm down and see a situation from a new angle, we’re not responsible for their reactions. 

​It’s also worth emphasizing the importance of not dismissing other people’s so-called negative emotions, or asking them to be positive when they are not. We could call that toxic positivity.  As much as we want to help someone be more positive, the way to do it isn’t to shame them or ignore their negativity. On the contrary!
 
To help someone get back above the line we have to acknowledge the strong emotions that are present, be it anger, fear or frustration, and understand what caused them to come up. When an emotion is acknowledged and its message is heard, the emotion will automatically disappear because it’s served its purpose. When that happens, the nervous system calms down and it becomes easier to collaborate and have a constructive conversation about the way forward.
 
Keep reading to learn about the four steps that can help someone come back to equilibrium as well as examples of how to apply them.

​It’s near impossible to regulate others if you are below the line and feeling triggered yourself. One of the most effective ways to regulate yourself is the quick coherence breathing technique from the Heartmath Institute. You can learn more the technique, and practice it with Annmarie Curley and myself in this podcast episode.
 
The essence of the coherent breath technique is to spend a few minutes breathing deeper and slower than usual. Give it a go right now! Close your eyes, place your hand on your heart and begin to breathe deeper and slower than you normally would. As you slow down and deepen your breath, imagine that you’re breathing directly in and out of your heart. Then think about a positive emotion such a gratefulness, joy or love. Bring to mind a person or a situation that makes you feel this uplifting emotion.
 
If you breathe this way for just a few minutes you will notice how your physical, mental and emotional states change. Your fight or flight response will calm down, and you will be better able to insert a space between the situation that triggers you and how you respond to it. To get better at doing that, put some anchor points into your day where you practice this slower and deeper way of breathing. This could be whenever you get into your car, prepare a coffee, or start a conference call. The more you practice becoming aware of your state and changing it, the easier it will be to access it when it really matters.

​After you have calmed down your own nervous system, the next step is to actively listen to the other person’s story even if you disagree with their view. This is an essential part of regulating someone else’s nervous system. You have to allow them to vent and understand what their emotional reaction is all about. If someone is emotionally off centre, they aren’t able to engage in a logical conversation with you because their logical brain is off line. They need to calm down and move back into homeostasis in order for you to have a reasonable conversation with them. To learn more about the neuroscience of emotional states, listen to this podcast episode.
 
When you fully listen to someone, you allow them to vent and get their frustrations off their chest. Listening is also essential for building trust. I always say that one of the biggest gifts you can give someone is the gift of your full attention. 
 
Note that you don’t have to agree with another person in order to hear them out. You can simply ask them to share what their concern is and listen to their response. Your goal is to understand them, not to agree or disagree. When you think you’ve fully heard them, you can summarise by saying the way I understand your concerns is that…

Step two and three are closely linked. If step two is about listening to the other person’s thoughts and concerns, then step three is acknowledging their emotions. Powerful as it is, listening and understanding someone’s concerns aren’t enough. You also have to validate how they are feeling. 
 
Many people make the mistake of going straight to problem-solving and solution mode without listening and acknowledging the emotions first. They’re impatient and try to convince the other person that their thoughts and emotions are wrong. But doing so just increases the tension. 
 
This step isn’t about agreeing with the other person’s emotions or judging whether they are justified or not. You cannot argue with a person’s emotional response. All you can do is acknowledge how they feel. How do you do that? And how do you show empathy if you fundamentally don’t agree with them? You could say: I hear that you’re really worried and frustrated about this. I can understand that this is causing you to feel upset. 

​In the fourth step you ask clarifying questions and investigate how you can move forward. You’ll know you’re ready for step four when the other person is beginning to calm down. When that happens you can gently ask questions that help both of you understand the issue from different angles and identify how you might resolve it. As the other person is now more open and able to think rationally, you can ask questions such as:
 

• What’s another way of looking at this?
• What’s the most constructive thing we can do right now? 
• What steps do we need to take to come to an agreement?

 
As you’re asking these questions, you’re inviting new insights to come up that can help both of you gain a new perspective. Don’t manipulate the other person to think the way you do. it’s far more effective to ask open questions and collaborate in order to find the best way forward.

​Imagine a team member comes to you after a meeting, visibly stressed, and says, I can’t keep up with everything on my plate. I feel like I’m going to drop the ball on something important. 
 
In that situation, how might you apply the four steps?
 

1. Regulate Yourself: Check your tone and energy to ensure you’re supportive, not dismissive. If needed, use the quick coherence tool where you breathe deeper and slower than usual. Doing so will bring you above the line and ensure you’re not rushed.
2. Be Present and Listen: Find a private space where you can speak in confidence. Let the team member fully explain their challenges while maintaining a calm and empathetic demeanour. Your role is to listen rather than think of solutions.
3. Acknowledge their Feelings: Show empathy by saying to the team member: I can hear that you’re feeling overwhelmed by the workload. That’s completely understandable given everything that’s going on. Would you like us to look at how we can solve this together?
4. Investigate and Collaborate: When the team member has shared everything they want to and is visibly calmer, ask: What’s the most urgent priority right now? How do you think we can redistribute some of your tasks and find ways to make this more manageable?

​The four steps aren’t just applicable in 1-to-1 settings but also in meetings with several people. Group situations can be tricky to navigate, because when one person vents others may jump on the bandwagon. Even if it’s uncomfortable, the meeting facilitator needs to temper the environment and address the situation so that the tone of negativity doesn’t escalate. 
 
Imagine that during a project update, a senior manager openly criticizes delays caused by another team, saying; If this keeps happening, we’ll miss our deadline, and I’ll hold this team accountable. Tension rises in the room, with others chiming in or becoming defensive. 
 
How do you apply the four-step process in that situation? 
 

1. Regulate Yourself. Quickly ground yourself with a few deep breaths or use the quick coherence technique to stay calm. It’s imperative that you take time to pause before you respond. This is not the time to get defensive. 
2. Be Present and Listen: Allow the senior manager to vent their concerns without interruption. Stay calm and observe the energy in the room.
3. Acknowledge their Feelings: Say to the manager; I hear you’re feeling frustrated about the delays and the impact on the timeline. I can understand your reaction.
4. Investigate and Collaborate: When the manager has been fully listened to and goes quiet, ask; What can we focus on together right now to prevent further delays? Would it be okay to identify actionable steps we can all agree on?

 
Remember that you can use these steps whether you are at work or at home. Please comment on this post and share examples of how you’ve helped others self-regulate. 
 
And remember that it’s only by taking action that you experience real change.

​Episode 1: Create an Open and Curious Mindset During Challenging Times
Episode 2: Redefining Resilience In Leadership
Episode 3: Emotional Intelligence Unlocked: Leading with EQ
Episode 4: The Power of Self-Awareness
Episode 5: How to Help Others Self-Regulate
Episode 6: The Neuroscience of Emotional States
​

​Collaborating with clients, stakeholders and team members can be challenging. Some situations – and people – push your buttons, making it hard for you to self-regulate and respond appropriately. Perhaps someone you rely on hasn’t completed a critical task on time, and as the manager it now falls back on you to resolve the issue as it’s ultimately your responsibility. You get annoyed and angry and say things you wish you hadn’t. But why do some situations trigger such a strong reaction in you and what can you do about it?
 
The core quadrant model is a powerful tool developed by Daniel Ofman. It offers valuable insight into human behaviour and helps explain why we sometimes react so strongly to others in our personal and professional lives. It’s also a great tool for understanding what we need to do more of to strengthen our emotional maturity and become a more balanced person and leader.

Challenge
To avoid your pitfall and overusing your strength, you have to focus on your challenge. Your challenge, which is depicted in the bottom right-hand quadrant, is the exact opposite of your pitfall. If your pitfall is being pushy, then your challenge is being patient. If you can be patient at the same time as you are determined it will make you a more mature and complete person. 
 
The idea is not to take away from your core quality and make you less determined. The idea is to add more patience to the mix so that there is balance between your core quality and your challenge. It’s about both/and, rather than either/or. In this example, we could say that you need to become patiently determined. 
 
Allergy
What’s interesting is that too much of your challenge is likely to trigger an allergic reaction in you. When someone is too patient, they can become passive which is your allergy. Your allergy is the opposite of your core quality. You may get angry and overreact when you come across people who you perceive as passive. It’s also possible that you find it difficult to display more patience because you are afraid of becoming too passive. 
 
But your challenge and your allergy are not the same thing. As long as you confuse your challenge (patient) with your allergy (passive) your challenge will remain unattainable.
 
It’s thought-provoking that you can learn the most from people who you are the most allergic to. That’s because they have too much of something you are lacking. When you react strongly to a team member or a stakeholder, it often says more about you than them. A team member may be quite relaxed about a task that needs to be completed, but in your mind they are passive and non-caring, which makes you more stressed and pushy. Not a good reaction. The team member might actually be on top of the task, but provokes a reaction from you because their approach is different to yours. 
 
All you need to do in that situation is to relax for a moment. Take a slow deep breath and ask yourself: What is happening right now? With that awareness you will be less caught up in your habitual patterns and more likely to respond in a new way.
 
Another curious insight from this model is that the core quality of your life partner or best friend is likely to be your challenge. Opposites attract! But that also means that you may be married to your allergy! What a great opportunity to work on yourself and expand your emotional maturity.
 
What does your core quadrant look like?
To dive deeper, create your own core quadrant:

• What is a core quality of yours? Something you are inherently good at and that people complement you for? 
• What happens when you over-use that quality? What is your pitfall and in which situations does it tend to show itself? 
• The opposite of your pitfall is your challenge. This is a positive quality that you need more of to balance your strength. What is your challenge and how can you pay more attention to it?
• Finally, the extreme version of your challenge is your allergy. What does your allergy look like and in which project situations are you confronted with it? How can you stop confusing your challenge with your allergy?

​How to have challenging conversations
Working effectively on a project, interacting with stakeholders and leading the team to deliver the best outcomes, require hundreds if not thousands of conversations. Not all of these conversations are going to be easy or pleasant. Customer expectations need to be managed and the team needs to find its feet. Many heated conversations may be had about scope, quality, timelines, budget, resources, solutions, tools and methods. In addition, team members represent diverse cultures, values and languages. They have different ways of working and diverse ways of solving problems. Negotiating a way forward, giving feedback and delivering bad news is often necessary, but not easy. 

What makes these conversations challenging?
Think of a conversation that you typically find challenging. When you examine it you will probably find that 1) There is a lot at stake. 2) There are opposing opinions. 3) There are strong emotions on one or both sides. For example, if you need to tell your client that you’ve hit a major roadblock and that the project will be delayed, it will turn out to be a challenging conversation – especially if your client has a strong emotional reaction and suggests a solution that you know isn’t possible. 
 
The types of conversations that I personally find challenging is when I need to say no to a piece of work for an important client. I feel that there is a lot at stake because I’m worried about damaging the relationship. That also means that I’m likely to go into the conversations with strong emotions rooted in fear. I’m unsure how my client will react and I’m worried they will try to put pressure on me or think less of me.
 
The emotional component 
The emotional component is one of the most important aspects to examine as it’s often the key to navigating and unlocking a challenging conversation. It turns out that we humans aren’t as rational and logical as we would like to think. A large part of our behaviour is influenced by emotions that we’re not aware of. In situations where we get emotionally triggered, a fight, flight or freeze reaction is activated in our mind and body. When our emotional brain kicks in it’s essentially trying to protect us and prepare us for danger. The heart beats faster, our breathing speeds up, blood rushes to the muscles and our focus narrows.

This automatic reaction is great when we’re in physical danger, but in a conversation it’s more likely to hinder than help. When we get emotionally triggered, the brain’s focus is diverted from the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for decision making and complex cognitive behaviour, towards the emotional brain. In other words, when we become overly emotional, we lose the ability to think clearly, to make rational decisions and to draw conclusions. Unfortunately, we’re often emotionally triggered even before a conversation begins. We’re angry because a team member hasn’t delivered what he or she promised. Or we’re worried because our boss wants to talk to us about yet another project to be added to our plate. 
 
Our emotions aren't wrong. They are justified and serve the purpose of keeping us safe. But if we’re not able to manage them effectively, they will narrow our focus and prevent us from having an open-minded conversation and getting to the root of a problem. They might even influence us not to give feedback to someone even if we have a great deal to say. We simply avoid or delay the conversation because we find it too unpleasant. We’re worried that if we fully show up, speak our truth, or put our demands on the table, we will be rejected or criticized. But when difficult topics aren’t openly discussed they will mushroom under the surface. That can cause dysfunctional team behaviour, where sarcastic comments are made but never fully explored. 
​
Let's examine four tips that will help you prepare for and conduct challenging conversations.

1. Build self-awareness. Becoming aware of the conversations you tend to find most challenging, understanding why that is and how you usually react is the most fundamental step. That’s because you can only really change a pattern or a behaviour that you are aware of. Set aside some time to reflect on your current and past projects in a place where you will not be interrupted. What are the types of conversations that are the most challenging for you? In which situations do they typically arise? What makes them challenging? How do you feel entering into them (angry, afraid, sad)? How do they usually unfold? What are some of your typical behavioural patterns? Do you for instance tend to get defensive, competitive or aggressive? Or do you become avoidant or compliant? Is it easy or difficult for you to express your thoughts, feelings and needs during a conversation? Do you welcome challenging conversations or not at all? Be as objective and non-judgemental as you can. Simply write down your observations and see if you can identify a few of the traps that you usually fall into. 

2. Prepare for the conversation. We sometimes expect that we should be able to navigate a complex conversation on the fly without any preparation. As a result, we don’t always get to say what we really wanted to and end up beating ourselves up for having omitted an important point or not expressed our real need. Proper preparation cannot be underestimated. In the leadership programmes I run, the participants are asked to experiment and practice challenging conversations with actors. The actors, who are excellent at triggering our participants, might for instance play an angry client or an underperforming team member. Over time the participants learn what to watch out for and they always emphasise how much they learn from the prep-time we give them before getting into action.

So, set aside time to prepare and to think through why you are having the conversation, what you perceive the problem to be and what your preferred outcome is. How would you like your working relationship with your counterpart to be and what kind of mindset would you like to show up with? Also think about what the facts and tangible examples are that you want to present to your counterpart. Then, turn the tables and consider how the other person sees the problem and what they might want from the conversation. What are their underlying needs and what is their emotional state likely to be? By considering what your counterpart’s perspective is you will be more perceptive during the conversation and less likely to be caught off guard.   

3. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. As Dr Stephen Covey said, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply”. If you enter the conversation with an agenda to first be understood and to get your points across, the effectiveness of the conversation will be limited and you might end up arguing who is right and who is wrong. An open and curious attitude, where you suspend your judgements as much as possible, listen, and ask lots of open questions, will get you much further. Even if you have a preferred outcome in mind, the goal of the conversation should be to collaborate and to openly discuss the issue before a conclusion is reached.

Don’t feel you have to have the entire solution thought through in advance. That leaves little room for collaboration. You can also improve the atmosphere by speaking in person and by sitting down rather than standing up. It’s more grounding. When it’s your turn to express your viewpoint, be honest and name the real issue. Don’t minimise it. You have to agree what the problem is before you can solve it. Be mindful however not to get confrontational, accusatory or to speak down to the other person. That undermines the entire process. Speak the truth as cleanly as you can by explaining how you see the issue, how it makes you feel and which potential solutions you see. 

4. Respond rather than react. As previously discussed, it’s important that you keep your emotions in check during the conversation as they may otherwise highjack and derail you. If the conversation goes as smoothly as you have planned, staying calm and clear-headed will be easy enough. It’s much more difficult if your counterpart throws in a wildcard, starts to accuse you of something or in other ways makes you feel uncomfortable. If that happens just stay quiet for a moment. Breathe as deeply and slowly as you can and relax your body, as that’s the way to slow down your heart rate and stay connected to the rational part of your brain. The goal in any conversation is to consciously respond to what is being said rather than lashing out based on a kneejerk reaction. Don’t let yourself get provoked.

​When our participants practice having challenge conversations with actors, they experience time after time how powerful silence can be. Five seconds of silence may feel like an eternity. But it works! Not only does it send a strong message to your counterpart, it’s also an effective way to help you manage your own emotions. If your counterpart’s behaviour is unacceptable, for instance if they belittle you, then you need to call it out and express how you are experiencing their behaviour. Not that easy, but necessary.  


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As we enter 2018 many of us naturally consider what we would like the New Year to bring and what we would like to do and achieve. For me it will be no different. But for the first time in many years I will have more mind-set-related and behavioural goals than external achievement goals. ​In recent years my goals have been related to writing project leadership books, starting my business, attracting clients and travelling to new exotic locations. These types of goals are not about refining my behaviour, improving my thought patterns or cultivating personal attributes within myself. They are related to achieving things in the physical world. I sense that 2018 will be different as I’m trying to put less emphasis on external achievement goals. Instead I will trust that as long as I do the right things, I will attract the right experiences into my life. 

​It’s not that there is anything wrong with setting physical goals. We all have a need to feel that we are progressing and that we are moving forward in work and in life. We can feel a strong sense of accomplishment from obtaining a certain qualification, finishing a particular project or landing that dream job. Setting SMART goals and acting on them, definitely help us achieve our objectives. But we also need to allow ourselves to just be. We often put unnecessary pressure on ourselves by feeling that we need to be in a certain job position by a certain age or by constantly having to prove ourselves. We may feed our ego by accomplishing a lot, but we don’t necessarily feed our spirit.
 
I always tell my coaching clients that the real work is the internal work. If we spend time looking inwards, acquiring the right mind-set, then the rest will follow. I coach a lot of people who have low self-esteem and who tend to compensate by holding on to physical things, frameworks or achievements. But that will never create true fulfilment. The real work is to strengthen our self-belief and to challenge our perceptions until we feel a warm glow of self-love inside.
 
In a similar vein I often come across individuals who experience a high degree of conflict with people around them. There is always something wrong with their boss, their clients or team members. But instead of wanting to swap projects or organisations, the solution is to look inwards and review our attitudes and behaviours. If we acquire the belief that everyone has something valuable to contribute to every situation, then we will take a greater interest in others and give them more space. The result is better relationships in all areas of life. It is by looking at how we can think and act differently that we can create the greatest transformation in our personal and professional life.
 
I’m self-employed and at the back of my mind there is often a little fear that perhaps I won’t be as busy this year as I’ve been in the past. But I’ve always been fine, and each year has in fact been more rewarding than the last. I need to get my mind-set right and take my own medicine! As I go into 2018 I don’t want to be steered by this fear and I don’t want to numb it by setting lots of external goals to make my ego feel better. Instead, I will look inwards and concentrate on acquiring the right mind-set. I will appreciate each moment and the opportunities that it brings. When I find myself in an unfamiliar or uncomfortable situation I will try to take a step back and objectively evaluate it. From that vantage point it will be easier to consciously decide how I want to respond. 
 
What kind of mind-set do you need to acquire in 2018 to become more fulfilled? And in which ways do you need to refine your behaviour? Perhaps you can find inspiration in the three P’s below: Purpose, Presence and Pause. They form the basis of my own goals for 2018.

​PURPOSE – In order to attract the right things into your life, you need to start each day feeling connected with yourself and your purpose. With the right mind-set, every day can become a great day. It doesn’t matter what you choose to do, but you need some kind of morning ritual that connects you with the essence of who you are and what you want to bring to the day. Some people meditate whilst others go for a brisk walk. Personally I like to start the day with a few yoga exercises that wake up my body and my mind. In 2018 I will become even more mindful during my yoga practice and be reminded of my purpose, which is to use my talent to contribute to the world around me.
 
PRESENCE – One of the biggest gifts you can give someone is your time and your attention. But it’s also one of the biggest gifts you can give yourself because it has the potential to transform all of your relationships. When you are fully present with another person, listening to them and trying to walk in their shoes, they will feel that you understand them. I’m convinced that there will be far fewer conflicts and misunderstandings in our personal and professional life if we take the time to listen to and understand each other. In 2018 I aim to be more present in my interactions. I will fully listen to and engage people who I cross and make them feel understood. 

PAUSE – On your project or in your private life you may at times snap at someone or disengage because of a challenging situation that triggers you. Whenever you feel uncomfortable, irritated or upset in the New Year, press your pause button and just breathe. Let the emotion wash over you without acting on it. These strong emotions can distort your sense of judgement and make you do and say things that don’t serve you. Instead, step outside of the situation for a couple of minutes and evaluate what is going on. What are your beliefs about the stressful events and why is it affecting you? When you’re able to you see the situation clearly you will be much better able to choose how to respond. This is something we can all get better at – including myself.
 
I hope you’ll have a wonderful 2018 full of purpose, presence and mindful pauses.


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We all know that managing a project can be emotionally draining. On a bad day we spend most of our time resolving issues, mitigating risks and dealing with conflict. This can be draining because the stakes are high and because we want to do our best to protect the schedule. After all, our job is to remove blockages and fix problems so that the project can be delivered without delays. But might there be another reason why we’d want to find a solution to a risk or an issue?

Could it be, for instance, that we subconsciously find conflict, uncertainty and question marks so uncomfortable that we intuitively want to move away from them? Could it be that we hurry to find a 'quick fix' simple because we want to get away from an emotionally difficult situation? Wanting to avoid discomfort is human nature; most people go to great lengths to avoid the things they find unpleasant, more so than the things they desire.

Consider for instance the following situations;

1. A member of your team has been underperforming for some time. You find it uncomfortable to confront him as he may take it badly, get defensive and ultimately highlight that your own level of support and leadership have been lacking. Instead of facing up to it, your 'quick fix' is to assign him less demanding work which somewhat disguises the issue.
2. The sponsor has a habit of changing direction and altering the project’s strategic objectives and as a result the project team lacks focus. You don’t feel that you have the right amount of business knowledge to debate with the sponsor and fear that you would get 'caught out' if you attempted to. Instead your 'quick fix' is to effectively deal with change requests when they come up and adjust the plan accordingly. You keep hoping that it’s the last time your sponsor has a change or heart and try to motivate the team as best you can. 
3. Many of the planned tasks are taking longer than expected and the project has been delayed more than once. When a slippage occurs your 'quick fix' is to ask people to work evenings and weekends to make up for it. You don’t have the courage to temporarily stop the project, reassess and re-estimate it and be transparent about the true effort of remaining work to the client.
   

How emotionally challenging are you finding these situations and how likely are you to quickly want to fix them, for instance by smoothing the situation or by complying where you should instead be inquisitive? When we smooth a situation we may never get to the root cause and properly address the issue. Dealing with poor performance for instance, a project that’s going off track or an incoherent project sponsor requires us to face the issue, name it and address it, rather than patching it up. It is when we can stay with the issue emotionally and explore the underlying reasons that we can begin to resolve it.

Next time you find yourself in an emotionally challenging situation how can you find the courage to face up to it – and fully explore it – before moving forward? It is okay to feel uncomfortable as long as you don’t let the discomfort deter you.


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When I coach or train a group of project managers, one of the biggest concerns they bring up is how to deal with opponents; i.e. senior stakeholders and clients who have a lot of power and influence over the project but who are not supportive. Or at least they come across as not being supportive. 

Understand the root of their skepticism
When you look at your opponents, consider how they are acting towards you. Are they indifferent, absent and maybe non-committal? Could it be that your project is simply at the bottom of their priority list? If so, what can you do to increase their interest in the project and make them see the benefits and what’s in it for them? How can you take into consideration their other time commitments and make it easier for them to participate? 

If, on the other hand, this isn’t a time management or a prioritization issue, but a deeper-rooted problem, you have to take a closer look at the emotions and the reasons that drive your opponent's behavior. What are the underlying needs that they feel are not being met? Could it be that they feel their voice is not being heard and their contributions aren’t being appreciated and that the project isn’t giving them what they were hoping for? Or do they in some way feel threatened by the project and what it will bring about? What can you do to actively engage these people and uncover the reasons for their skepticism? Maybe it is time for you to "walk into the lion’s cage" to find out?

Ask for advice
As you walk into the lion’s cage, one of the best ways to address your opponents is to ask for advice and feedback. This is a very disarming move, which instantly builds trust and opens up the relationship because you show that you care and that you are humble enough to ask for their opinion. Just imagine how they might react if you asked: “I would like to ask for your feedback about the project. I value your opinion on how you believe we can work more effectively and deliver a better product or service to you. Would that be ok? Are there any aspects (requirements, risks or issues) you feel we have overlooked? Which other tips and suggestions do you have for how we can improve?”

Sincerely listen to their answer
These questions have the potential to work wonders for you – but only if you sincerely mean it and take the time to really listen to the answer and to the meaning behind the words. Leave your negative emotions by the door, put your tongue on neutral and just listen. If you walk into a meeting that aims to build trust, with mistrust, you will undermine the process. We are often not aware of the emotions we bring to a situation ourselves – and neither is the other person – but subconsciously it always comes across. If you fundamentally don’t trust or respect the person you are interfacing with, they will detect it.

Your emotions affect your relationships
Take a moment to reflect on what your true feelings are towards some of the people with whom you have a tense relationship. Do you look up to them, down on them, do you fear them or do you think they are laughable? Do you unintentionally exclude them from emails and meetings, or do you tend to speak badly about them to other people? Have a long and hard look at the emotions and attitudes you hold, as they affect your interactions with people even if you would like them not to. 

It is easy to fall into the trap of blaming someone else for a poor interpersonal relationship and for being skeptical towards us. But the truth is that we, as project managers, share the responsibility for creating a harmonious and dynamic stakeholder group – and that it is entirely within our sphere to do so. Building relationships is a two-way thing, and realizing that we can indeed change the situation – if we choose to – is a powerful first step. 


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Overcoming Resistance to Change

Conflict is a situation where people have contrasting feelings, needs, perceptions and interests. It often occurs when people feel they are losing something they value. This could be anything from material to immaterial possessions, such as ideals, standards, aspirations, reputation, status or self esteem. 
 
As a project manager you are more than likely to come across situations of difficulty and conflict. The more complex and high profile your project is, the higher the likelihood may be. Disagreements can arise between a group of stakeholders and yourself, or it may be that several stakeholders disagree between them and that your role becomes that of a mediator. In some cases your stakeholders would have already worked together elsewhere, and any personal disputes between them could flare up as political clashes on your project. 

Disagreements are likely to arise as a consequence of unexpected changes on your project, or during the initiation phase, when the foundations have to be agreed upon. It could relate to anything from the project’s goals, objectives and success criteria to scope, requirements, solution or approach. Later in the project, conflict can arise when constraints and agreements are breached, such as budget, time or quality. 
  
Remember however, that conflict is not necessarily bad. Sometimes a situation can only really be uncovered by getting all opposing emotions, opinions and views out into the open. Be resourceful and calm, and diplomatically deal with the situation before it escalates out of control. 

In situations of conflict, seek to use to following tips;

 1. Do not pre-judge the situation. Become aware of your own emotions and interests and open your mind to the fact that you could be the one who is wrong.

2. Take on the role of a mediator even if you are an active part of the conflict. Listen, speak and carry yourself the way a respected mediator would.

3. Where possible negotiate with people in isolation in stead of letting a conflict flare up at a meeting. No one likes to come across badly in a forum so give people a chance to resolve the conflict before the meeting.

4. Do not attack, blame or defend anyone. See both sides of the situation. As the mediator your role is to calm the situation down and invite to rational thinking.
 
5. Identify the root cause of the disagreement and get all parties to agree to what the underlying problem is. Focus all discussions and conversations on the way forward. 

6. Make a BIG effort to listen and understand the other parties. Assess what their underlying fears, motives and aims are.

7. Only speak up about your own views once you fully understand the
other’s position. This will help you identify mutual grounds and build respect around you as a person.
 
8. Summarize everyone’s position as accurately as you can. Use vocabulary such as “I understand” and repeat the exact words and phrases which each party is using. 

9. Make people feel good and look good by taking their interests into account.

10. Maintain an open and positive mind throughout and aim to find a resolution which works for everyone; not a compromised agreement, but an expansive win-win solution which is better than either party had thought of when the conflict started.


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