Did their emotions spiral out of control? Or were you, as a bystander, able to help them get back on an even keel so that you could have a constructive conversation about how to move forward? That’s what this post is all about – understanding the steps you can take to help others self-regulate and thereby collaborate.

If you’ve engaged with some of my videos on YouTube, you may be familiar with the concept of either being Above or Below the Line. If you haven’t come across this term before, have a look at this video which I recorded with Annmarie Curley. The video is part of a series of six recordings where we explore tools, strategies and mindset shifts that help leaders stay resilient and lead with emotional intelligence. Scroll to the bottom of this post for a link to all six recordings.
Are You Above or Below the Line?
When we’re above the line we see opportunities, we’re curious and we feel positive. It doesn’t mean that we can’t discuss threats or challenge ideas. It means that our heart and mind are open. We remain rational and can relate to what’s going on without getting hijacked by our emotions.
When we’re below the line we feel some kind of negative emotion such as anger, fear, frustration, sadness, or jealousy. Our entire physiology changes. Our attention moves from the rational prefrontal cortex to the more emotional limbic brain. Our thoughts get clouded, we tense up, get stressed and aren’t able to properly engage or listen to others.
The trick is to be aware of when we drop below the line – or when someone else does – so that we can do something about it.
Having said that, we’re only responsible for our own state of mind. We’re not responsible for how other people think or feel. Whereas our attitudes and actions impact others and can help a person calm down and see a situation from a new angle, we’re not responsible for their reactions.
Don't Shame Emotions - Acknowledge Them!
To help someone get back above the line we have to acknowledge the strong emotions that are present, be it anger, fear or frustration, and understand what caused them to come up. When an emotion is acknowledged and its message is heard, the emotion will automatically disappear because it’s served its purpose. When that happens, the nervous system calms down and it becomes easier to collaborate and have a constructive conversation about the way forward.
Keep reading to learn about the four steps that can help someone come back to equilibrium as well as examples of how to apply them.
Step 1: Regulate Yourself
The essence of the coherent breath technique is to spend a few minutes breathing deeper and slower than usual. Give it a go right now! Close your eyes, place your hand on your heart and begin to breathe deeper and slower than you normally would. As you slow down and deepen your breath, imagine that you’re breathing directly in and out of your heart. Then think about a positive emotion such a gratefulness, joy or love. Bring to mind a person or a situation that makes you feel this uplifting emotion.
If you breathe this way for just a few minutes you will notice how your physical, mental and emotional states change. Your fight or flight response will calm down, and you will be better able to insert a space between the situation that triggers you and how you respond to it. To get better at doing that, put some anchor points into your day where you practice this slower and deeper way of breathing. This could be whenever you get into your car, prepare a coffee, or start a conference call. The more you practice becoming aware of your state and changing it, the easier it will be to access it when it really matters.
Step 2: Be Present and Listen
When you fully listen to someone, you allow them to vent and get their frustrations off their chest. Listening is also essential for building trust. I always say that one of the biggest gifts you can give someone is the gift of your full attention.
Note that you don’t have to agree with another person in order to hear them out. You can simply ask them to share what their concern is and listen to their response. Your goal is to understand them, not to agree or disagree. When you think you’ve fully heard them, you can summarise by saying the way I understand your concerns is that…
Step 3: Acknowledge Their Feelings
Many people make the mistake of going straight to problem-solving and solution mode without listening and acknowledging the emotions first. They’re impatient and try to convince the other person that their thoughts and emotions are wrong. But doing so just increases the tension.
This step isn’t about agreeing with the other person’s emotions or judging whether they are justified or not. You cannot argue with a person’s emotional response. All you can do is acknowledge how they feel. How do you do that? And how do you show empathy if you fundamentally don’t agree with them? You could say: I hear that you’re really worried and frustrated about this. I can understand that this is causing you to feel upset.
Step 4: Investigate and Collaborate
- What’s another way of looking at this?
- What’s the most constructive thing we can do right now?
- What steps do we need to take to come to an agreement?
As you’re asking these questions, you’re inviting new insights to come up that can help both of you gain a new perspective. Don’t manipulate the other person to think the way you do. it’s far more effective to ask open questions and collaborate in order to find the best way forward.
How to Apply the Four Steps
In that situation, how might you apply the four steps?
- Regulate Yourself: Check your tone and energy to ensure you’re supportive, not dismissive. If needed, use the quick coherence tool where you breathe deeper and slower than usual. Doing so will bring you above the line and ensure you’re not rushed.
- Be Present and Listen: Find a private space where you can speak in confidence. Let the team member fully explain their challenges while maintaining a calm and empathetic demeanour. Your role is to listen rather than think of solutions.
- Acknowledge their Feelings: Show empathy by saying to the team member: I can hear that you’re feeling overwhelmed by the workload. That’s completely understandable given everything that’s going on. Would you like us to look at how we can solve this together?
- Investigate and Collaborate: When the team member has shared everything they want to and is visibly calmer, ask: What’s the most urgent priority right now? How do you think we can redistribute some of your tasks and find ways to make this more manageable?
Handling Frustration in A Group Meeting
Imagine that during a project update, a senior manager openly criticizes delays caused by another team, saying; If this keeps happening, we’ll miss our deadline, and I’ll hold this team accountable. Tension rises in the room, with others chiming in or becoming defensive.
How do you apply the four-step process in that situation?
- Regulate Yourself. Quickly ground yourself with a few deep breaths or use the quick coherence technique to stay calm. It’s imperative that you take time to pause before you respond. This is not the time to get defensive.
- Be Present and Listen: Allow the senior manager to vent their concerns without interruption. Stay calm and observe the energy in the room.
- Acknowledge their Feelings: Say to the manager; I hear you’re feeling frustrated about the delays and the impact on the timeline. I can understand your reaction.
- Investigate and Collaborate: When the manager has been fully listened to and goes quiet, ask; What can we focus on together right now to prevent further delays? Would it be okay to identify actionable steps we can all agree on?
Remember that you can use these steps whether you are at work or at home. Please comment on this post and share examples of how you’ve helped others self-regulate.
And remember that it’s only by taking action that you experience real change.
Watch all episodes in the "Above the Line" series
Episode 1: Create an Open and Curious Mindset During Challenging Times
Episode 2: Redefining Resilience In Leadership
Episode 3: Emotional Intelligence Unlocked: Leading with EQ
Episode 4: The Power of Self-Awareness
Episode 5: How to Help Others Self-Regulate
Episode 6: The Neuroscience of Emotional States