Several studies show that Emotional Intelligence, or EQ, is the single biggest predictor of personal and professional success. Not only is it the most important competency for leaders, it’s essential for anyone wishing to progress and improve their performance over and above their efficiency.
Emotional Intelligence can be developed
In his book “Emotional Intelligence – why it can matter more than IQ” Daniel Goleman found that over 60% of the abilities that are essential for performance were emotional competencies and when it came to leadership that number rose to 90%. As a person moves up in the organisational hierarchy, more EQ capabilities show up as the reason for that person’s effectiveness.
This is not to say that a person’s level of IQ or technical skills aren’t important, but rather that an abundance of EQ is required to step up and develop from manager to leader. In fact, it’s difficult to imagine anyone being a great leader without having significant emotional competencies.
Part of what makes a leader effective, is their ability to connect, motivate and understand others. High performing leaders keep their emotions in check and build strong relationships based on trust. Managers with lower levels of EQ can be extremely skilled at problem solving and getting things done, but often aren’t good at communicating change or bringing people with them. They may be socially out of touch and have difficulties regulating their emotions.
The good news is that in contrast to IQ, Emotional Intelligence is a flexible skill set that can be learned and improved upon at any age. That also means leadership can be improved upon at any age.
Emotional Mastery
Emotional Intelligence can be defined as “the capacity to be aware of, control and express one’s emotions and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.” This doesn’t mean that Emotionally Intelligent people are nice all the time or that they never feel sad, angry or frustrated.
People with high levels of EQ don’t push aside their emotions, nor do they let their emotions dominate everything that they do. Instead, they notice how they feel and consciously make a choice about how much emotion they want to express. Not only do they notice their own emotions, they also notice what is going on for other people. Is my counterpart feeling happy, sad, angry or fearful right now? How does that make me feel and how would I like to respond so that I achieve the best outcome for both of us?
To understand how to develop your emotional intelligence, first consider that it can be broken down in to 4 main competencies.
In his book “Emotional Intelligence – why it can matter more than IQ” Daniel Goleman found that over 60% of the abilities that are essential for performance were emotional competencies and when it came to leadership that number rose to 90%. As a person moves up in the organisational hierarchy, more EQ capabilities show up as the reason for that person’s effectiveness.
This is not to say that a person’s level of IQ or technical skills aren’t important, but rather that an abundance of EQ is required to step up and develop from manager to leader. In fact, it’s difficult to imagine anyone being a great leader without having significant emotional competencies.
Part of what makes a leader effective, is their ability to connect, motivate and understand others. High performing leaders keep their emotions in check and build strong relationships based on trust. Managers with lower levels of EQ can be extremely skilled at problem solving and getting things done, but often aren’t good at communicating change or bringing people with them. They may be socially out of touch and have difficulties regulating their emotions.
The good news is that in contrast to IQ, Emotional Intelligence is a flexible skill set that can be learned and improved upon at any age. That also means leadership can be improved upon at any age.
Emotional Mastery
Emotional Intelligence can be defined as “the capacity to be aware of, control and express one’s emotions and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.” This doesn’t mean that Emotionally Intelligent people are nice all the time or that they never feel sad, angry or frustrated.
People with high levels of EQ don’t push aside their emotions, nor do they let their emotions dominate everything that they do. Instead, they notice how they feel and consciously make a choice about how much emotion they want to express. Not only do they notice their own emotions, they also notice what is going on for other people. Is my counterpart feeling happy, sad, angry or fearful right now? How does that make me feel and how would I like to respond so that I achieve the best outcome for both of us?
To understand how to develop your emotional intelligence, first consider that it can be broken down in to 4 main competencies.
- Self-Awareness: This competency is about knowing our emotions and recognising a feeling as it is happening. When we are able to recognise and understand our moods, emotions and drives, it’s a sign that we are self-aware. In that state we are not trying to suppress our emotions by lying to ourselves about how we feel. On the contrary. When we feel sad, we acknowledge it. And when we feel angry, we acknowledge that too.
- Self-Regulation: This competency is about managing our emotions and handling our feelings so that they are appropriate. With high levels of self-awareness comes a choice of how much emotion we want to show. Just because we feel angry on the inside, doesn’t mean that we have to show the full force of our anger to other people. Being able to self-regulate is about controlling or redirecting disruptive impulses and moods by thinking before we act.
- Social Awareness: The next competency – social awareness, or empathy, is about our ability to recognise how other people are feeling. When we empathise, it means that we are able to walk in someone else’s shoes and that we can feel and see the situation from that person’s point of view. We understand them and we are able to read them. If someone feels upset, we notice it. If they feel nervous or frustrated, we notice that too.
- Social Skill: This competency is about regulating emotions in others and using emotions to build and manage relationships. When we have a high level of social skill we easily find common ground with people and build rapport. We also find it easier to collaborate, have sensitive conversations and inspire others to contribute to a common goal.
Five Habits that Can Build Your Emotional Intelligence
Now we’ve discussed what emotional intelligence is, let’s look at what you can do to strengthen this all-important capability. It’s not enough to understand it intellectually – to get results you need to practice.
Strengthen your Self-Awareness
The first step to build your emotional intelligence is to strengthen your self-awareness. This is a foundational habit, because you can only change what you are aware of. One of the best ways to learn about yourself is to ask for honest feedback (ideally a 360° review) from your coworkers. Ask different sets of people, who have different relationships to you, what they feel your strengths are and what tips they have for improvement.
You can also build your self-awareness by taking time out to reflect and keeping a daily journal. Before you end your day, review how it went and reflect on how you felt. How did you manage your emotions, what did you notice about other people’s emotions and how did you respond to them? Also reflect on how you reacted to stressful situations. Did you become upset because of a delay or did you get angry because something didn’t happen the way you wanted?
When you observe yourself, you become aware of your patterns, which is the most important step if you want to change them. As you reflect and build your self-awareness, be mindful not to use your insights to beat yourself up. Simply notice what is going on and accept where you are currently at.
Respond rather than react to situations
Essentially, this habit is about responding to situations rather than reacting to them. There’s a subtle but important difference between the two. Reacting is an unconscious process where you experience and react to an emotional trigger without thinking twice about it. This could happen, for instance, if you always get angry when a team member delivers their work late – or if you panic whenever your client asks you to incorporate a new change request.
Responding, on the other hand, is a conscious process that involves noticing how you feel and then deciding how you want to behave. You may not choose the emotions that you feel, but you do have a choice regarding what you do with them. So instead of showing your anger to a team member because you feel irritated, take 5 slow breaths and choose the most appropriate response so that you don’t default to your automatic reaction. You could for instance explain to the person how you feel and what the impact is when work is delivered late. You can then work with the team member to ensure that it doesn't happen again.
As an emotionally intelligent leader you have to take responsibility for your emotions and the impact have on your surroundings. When you manage your impulses and consciously choose your responses, not only do you set a good example, you also create a safe environment for your team to freely communicate and express their views.
Notice what is going on for other people
A big part of being an emotionally intelligent leader is to notice what is going on for other people. If you don’t notice how your stakeholders and team members are feeling, it’s easy to make a faux pas or miscommunicate a message because you aren’t able to truly see the situation from their point of view.
I often coach people who would like to become better communicators and who think that there is some kind of technique that they are missing out on. But communication isn’t just about what we say and how we say it. It is first and foremost about relating to another person and understanding what is going on for that person right now. Otherwise, how can we know that what we are about to say is relevant and appropriate to share? So instead of focusing on what you want to say, notice what the other person is saying and what they are not saying. What are they feeling and why might that be?
In order to master this habit, you will need to slow down and take a genuine interest in people who work with you. On any project there is a myriad of things to do and tasks that need to get completed which can push you to become overly task-oriented. Just consider a situation where you are sitting at your desk writing something and a coworker approaches you with a question. Do you give that person your full attention or do you continue to write your email whilst giving them a half-hearted answer? Unless you are in the middle of a crisis situation, seek to be fully present and pay attention to them.
Actively listen to people when they speak
The previous habit leads into the fourth habit, which is to fully listen to people when they speak. This is one of the essential keys to empathising and understanding other people. There are three levels at which you can listen.
Level I listening is when you are listening to someone else, but at the same time you are hearing your own internal dialogue. If you’re sitting in a meeting listening to a presentation, you might at the same time think about all the things you need to get done after the meeting finishes. Most people listen at level I most of the time. It means that they are not really focused on the person who is saying something.
Level II listening is when you are fully present and focused on the person who is speaking. You are engaged and take onboard what they are saying. This is likely to happen when you have a one-to-one conversation with your manager or when your friend is telling you a really engaging story. Unfortunately, we don’t often listen to others, which can be quite obvious to the other person. It makes them feel unimportant and creates distance rather than trust and camaraderie.
But there is an even higher level of listening, and that’s level III. When you listen at level III, not only do you use your ears and are fully focused on the person in front of you, you also use your other senses to pick up what is really going on. This is the level at which coaches and therapists are taught to listen to their clients. At level III it’s possible to pick up if the words that are being used are congruent to what the rest of the person’s body is telling you. When you open up and use all of your senses to connect with a co-worker it will be much easier to relate to them, to read them and to understand what really makes them tick.
Embrace crucial conversations
The last habit we will focus on here, is to have an open mind towards difficult or crucial conversations. High stakes, opposing opinions and strong emotions on one or both sides, characterise a crucial conversation. Because the emotions are high you can easily lose your cool and say something that you will later regret.
In the workplace there are many situations you might find challenging, such as giving feedback on poor performance or giving bad news about a delay or a cost overrun. It can also be challenging to work and communicate with others when you disagree on how a project should be run or what the best solution to a problem is. Unfortunately, most people aren’t trained to have these crucial conversations and therefore tend to avoid them. But avoiding them of course doesn’t make the issue go away. In fact, it often makes it worse.
To prepare for a crucial conversion, seek to ask yourself the following questions in advance: What is the real problem? How do I feel about it? What would my counterpart say the problem is? What is my preferred outcome? What is my preferred working relationship with my counterpart?
Before you start the conversation, take a slow, deep breath and relax your body. The more relaxed you are and the more oxygen you have flowing through your body, the more likely it is that you will be able to stay calm and positively manage your emotions. Remember that managing your emotions doesn’t mean suppressing them. Emotionally intelligent leaders can absolutely feel anger or fear, but they don’t let the emotion run away with them or define them.
In summary, emotionally intelligent leaders are fully aware of what they feel about a situation and can absolutely have strong emotions, but instead of reacting out of fear or anger, they take a deep breath and slow down their response. As they do so, they create time to consider what the right response is in order that trust, collaboration and motivation can flourish. Emotionally intelligent leaders aren’t just focused on themselves. They are accustomed to giving other people their full attention and to show them that they matter. Not only do they listen with their ears, they also use their intuition to understand what is really going on and what the situation calls for.
Now we’ve discussed what emotional intelligence is, let’s look at what you can do to strengthen this all-important capability. It’s not enough to understand it intellectually – to get results you need to practice.
Strengthen your Self-Awareness
The first step to build your emotional intelligence is to strengthen your self-awareness. This is a foundational habit, because you can only change what you are aware of. One of the best ways to learn about yourself is to ask for honest feedback (ideally a 360° review) from your coworkers. Ask different sets of people, who have different relationships to you, what they feel your strengths are and what tips they have for improvement.
You can also build your self-awareness by taking time out to reflect and keeping a daily journal. Before you end your day, review how it went and reflect on how you felt. How did you manage your emotions, what did you notice about other people’s emotions and how did you respond to them? Also reflect on how you reacted to stressful situations. Did you become upset because of a delay or did you get angry because something didn’t happen the way you wanted?
When you observe yourself, you become aware of your patterns, which is the most important step if you want to change them. As you reflect and build your self-awareness, be mindful not to use your insights to beat yourself up. Simply notice what is going on and accept where you are currently at.
Respond rather than react to situations
Essentially, this habit is about responding to situations rather than reacting to them. There’s a subtle but important difference between the two. Reacting is an unconscious process where you experience and react to an emotional trigger without thinking twice about it. This could happen, for instance, if you always get angry when a team member delivers their work late – or if you panic whenever your client asks you to incorporate a new change request.
Responding, on the other hand, is a conscious process that involves noticing how you feel and then deciding how you want to behave. You may not choose the emotions that you feel, but you do have a choice regarding what you do with them. So instead of showing your anger to a team member because you feel irritated, take 5 slow breaths and choose the most appropriate response so that you don’t default to your automatic reaction. You could for instance explain to the person how you feel and what the impact is when work is delivered late. You can then work with the team member to ensure that it doesn't happen again.
As an emotionally intelligent leader you have to take responsibility for your emotions and the impact have on your surroundings. When you manage your impulses and consciously choose your responses, not only do you set a good example, you also create a safe environment for your team to freely communicate and express their views.
Notice what is going on for other people
A big part of being an emotionally intelligent leader is to notice what is going on for other people. If you don’t notice how your stakeholders and team members are feeling, it’s easy to make a faux pas or miscommunicate a message because you aren’t able to truly see the situation from their point of view.
I often coach people who would like to become better communicators and who think that there is some kind of technique that they are missing out on. But communication isn’t just about what we say and how we say it. It is first and foremost about relating to another person and understanding what is going on for that person right now. Otherwise, how can we know that what we are about to say is relevant and appropriate to share? So instead of focusing on what you want to say, notice what the other person is saying and what they are not saying. What are they feeling and why might that be?
In order to master this habit, you will need to slow down and take a genuine interest in people who work with you. On any project there is a myriad of things to do and tasks that need to get completed which can push you to become overly task-oriented. Just consider a situation where you are sitting at your desk writing something and a coworker approaches you with a question. Do you give that person your full attention or do you continue to write your email whilst giving them a half-hearted answer? Unless you are in the middle of a crisis situation, seek to be fully present and pay attention to them.
Actively listen to people when they speak
The previous habit leads into the fourth habit, which is to fully listen to people when they speak. This is one of the essential keys to empathising and understanding other people. There are three levels at which you can listen.
Level I listening is when you are listening to someone else, but at the same time you are hearing your own internal dialogue. If you’re sitting in a meeting listening to a presentation, you might at the same time think about all the things you need to get done after the meeting finishes. Most people listen at level I most of the time. It means that they are not really focused on the person who is saying something.
Level II listening is when you are fully present and focused on the person who is speaking. You are engaged and take onboard what they are saying. This is likely to happen when you have a one-to-one conversation with your manager or when your friend is telling you a really engaging story. Unfortunately, we don’t often listen to others, which can be quite obvious to the other person. It makes them feel unimportant and creates distance rather than trust and camaraderie.
But there is an even higher level of listening, and that’s level III. When you listen at level III, not only do you use your ears and are fully focused on the person in front of you, you also use your other senses to pick up what is really going on. This is the level at which coaches and therapists are taught to listen to their clients. At level III it’s possible to pick up if the words that are being used are congruent to what the rest of the person’s body is telling you. When you open up and use all of your senses to connect with a co-worker it will be much easier to relate to them, to read them and to understand what really makes them tick.
Embrace crucial conversations
The last habit we will focus on here, is to have an open mind towards difficult or crucial conversations. High stakes, opposing opinions and strong emotions on one or both sides, characterise a crucial conversation. Because the emotions are high you can easily lose your cool and say something that you will later regret.
In the workplace there are many situations you might find challenging, such as giving feedback on poor performance or giving bad news about a delay or a cost overrun. It can also be challenging to work and communicate with others when you disagree on how a project should be run or what the best solution to a problem is. Unfortunately, most people aren’t trained to have these crucial conversations and therefore tend to avoid them. But avoiding them of course doesn’t make the issue go away. In fact, it often makes it worse.
To prepare for a crucial conversion, seek to ask yourself the following questions in advance: What is the real problem? How do I feel about it? What would my counterpart say the problem is? What is my preferred outcome? What is my preferred working relationship with my counterpart?
Before you start the conversation, take a slow, deep breath and relax your body. The more relaxed you are and the more oxygen you have flowing through your body, the more likely it is that you will be able to stay calm and positively manage your emotions. Remember that managing your emotions doesn’t mean suppressing them. Emotionally intelligent leaders can absolutely feel anger or fear, but they don’t let the emotion run away with them or define them.
In summary, emotionally intelligent leaders are fully aware of what they feel about a situation and can absolutely have strong emotions, but instead of reacting out of fear or anger, they take a deep breath and slow down their response. As they do so, they create time to consider what the right response is in order that trust, collaboration and motivation can flourish. Emotionally intelligent leaders aren’t just focused on themselves. They are accustomed to giving other people their full attention and to show them that they matter. Not only do they listen with their ears, they also use their intuition to understand what is really going on and what the situation calls for.
For more resources, check out:
Books:
How to Do the Inner Work
The Power of Project Leadership
Blog Posts:
What Makes a High Performing Team
How to Become a Better Coach
How to Deepen Your Communication
Innovative Leaders Ask Powerful What-If Questions
The Yin & Yang of Project Leadership
Books:
How to Do the Inner Work
The Power of Project Leadership
Blog Posts:
What Makes a High Performing Team
How to Become a Better Coach
How to Deepen Your Communication
Innovative Leaders Ask Powerful What-If Questions
The Yin & Yang of Project Leadership
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